Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Determining my "worth"

Out of curiosity, I did a Google search to see how much celebrity impersonators make in Las Vegas.  Are you ready for this?  Anywhere from between $150 - $1000 an hour.  Some have been known to make over $3000 for an event.  Now that my lip is movable and I can do my "Celine Dion" again... I think I best be getting on the next plane out of here.  Any suggestions on how to grow 6 inches taller?

So I started thinking about this.  I'm pretty much broke, but I'm way too talented, skilled, and crafty to be broke.  I'm not a huge spender.  Well, my problem is actually that lately I'm not a huge earner, either!  Welcome to the wonderful world of freelance/self-employment, I guess.

So tonight, here I am analyzing how much I am worth:
  • Street musician in a decent sized city:  $55,000/year (avg.)
  • Sign language interpreter: $22,000/year (avg.)
  • Emerging photographer: $30,000/year (avg.)
  • Celine Dion Impersonator: $4,400 (avg.)  (This would just be a few gigs a year... fun money!)
  • Blogger: $17/hour (avg.) = $25,000/year (avg. part-time)
  • Professional Yodeler: No information on salary found.  Deemed PRICELESS
  • Biopsychology majors: $43,000/year (avg.)
  • Gigging musician: $24,000/year (avg.)
**SO FAR - I am worth: $243,000

Now, remember.  We are in "the real world" now.  It's not all pats on the back, stickers for tying your shoes, and jelly beans for not pissing on the toilet seat.  Time to go back down that corporate ladder and reanalyze the situation.
  • Can't mow a lawn:  -5,000/year
  • Can't drive a stick shift: -1,500/year
  • Can't cook for crap: -25,000/year
  • Not fluent in Spanish: -30,000/year
  • Solo musician w/out a band: -12,000/year
  • Photography equipment: -10,000/year
  • Rude people who don't call to cancel and just let you show up and wait: -2500/year
  • Attire for "professional" stuff: -500/year
  • Attire for the music, impersonations, etc: -3,000/year
  • Insurance to cover all this stuff you have to have: -2,400/year
  • Biopsychology: lack of a master's or doctorate: -35,000/year
**My worth is down to $103,100 . . . but WAIT!  We're not done, yet...
  • I write crappy cover letters: -18,000/year
  • Gas to travel all over creation: -3,500/year
  • Lapsed interpreting license: - 22,000/year
  • Moving expenses: -5,000/year
  • Excessive amounts of Pro Bono work: -5,500
**This brings me back down to $49,000 ... but WAIT!!!  We have one more:

  • STUDENT LOANS... $49,000
**TOTAL WORTH:  $0.00

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Sample Cover Letter - Oprah

Still haven't heard from Steve Jobs, so I'm moving on to greater endeavors and new tactics.  In a dog-eat-dog job market, it's time to get creative with your cover letters.  Here is what I have come up with:

Dear Oprah,

Per your request, I have evaluated your Oprah Winfrey Network, O Magazine, and the Oprah.com website.  You are right, you will benefit greatly from my expertise and it would be a pleasure to have you as part of my team.  Unfortunately, at this time I am not hiring; however, your resume will be kept on file for six months.  I tell everyone that so they don't bother me for six months. 


Melissa K. McCarthy


Dear Oprah,

In regards to the last letter that was sent out, it was a mistake.  We told the intern to send out the rejection letter to another Oprah Winfrey; however, congratulations and welcome aboard!  I bet it's been a while since you have received a rejection letter.  I do hope it put your ego in check.

Revamping this network you have is going to a challenge, but together, I think we will be able to make it a smashing success.  Here are some of the proposals all of us at McCarthy Enterprises have come up with:
  • Merging our names together: Oprah Winfrey Network & McCarthy Enterprises = OWN ME  Absolutely brilliant! 
  • The royal wedding was not really an invitation for Sarah/Fergie to emerge from wherever she's been.  The show is not a total loss.  Since it is called Finding Sarah, we have come up with an idea of hiding Sarah in various places in Kentucky and sending teams out with clues to find her.  Kind of Amazing Race meets The Bachelorette because all the contestants are going to be men with roses.  Also, Sarah isn't going to know any of this.
  • Time to ditch the reruns of the old show.  It's done.  It's gone.  It's time to move on.  
  • We are going to really soar with this "Living Your Best Life" idea.  Not, living Oprah's best life.  But, the people watching OWN ME.  I think the best way to help people live their best lives is to give them some of your money.  Maybe even some keys to your house.  (Honestly, you do NOT need a house that big!)   

On a side note, I appreciate the complimentary issue of O magazine; however, I do not wish to subscribe.  You can quit sending me the bill for the subscription.

Looking forward to working with you,

Melissa McCarthy

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sample Cover Letter

As part of the post-graduation routine, I have spent countless hours Google searching sample cover letters as a guide for writing my own.  First off, cover letters are dumb.  I am not fond of them at all.  I'd rather just send an e-mail saying, "Look at this crap I call experience, give me a call, and hire me."

Instead of looking at all the crap people put on the Internet for you to find, I'm finally going to put a sample cover letter out there that will actually yield results.

June 22, 2011

Steve Jobs
1 Infinite Loop
Cupertino, CA 95014

Dear Steve,

I need a job, and considering your last name, I would guess you have some.  I am highly qualified for pretty much any position that involves sitting on my ass and playing on a Mac all day.  As a side-note, I would like to add that I would take the world's crappiest Mac over the world's greatest Dell.  I had a Dell once.  In the time it would take to start up, I could make a pot of coffee, take a shower, dry my hair, drink the entire pot of coffee, make a gourmet breakfast, go to work, and come home eight hours later to find it just getting through with the virus scan.  By the way, your commercials are funny as hell.  Maybe I could star in one?  Or, write one?  Or, both?  Did I mention I have a minor in Writing?

I think that I would be a great asset to your company.  I have brilliant ideas on how you can spend that ungodly amount of money you make and help boost the economy at the same time.  First, that is really nice that you give students and educators a discount, but $100 off?  Really?  Have you gone to college lately?  You can't even buy a free couch off a curb for $100 these days.  I think a buy one, get one free program would be a huge hit.

Maybe you could see me more as a product tester.  I could evaluate all of your new products, software, and whatever else all your brainiacs come up with.  The fact that I am not an expert makes me a top pick for this position because I can evaluate on a user-friendly level.  After all, let's face it, you really need to start marketing to the elderly.  If they saw what these incredible computers and gadgets can do, I bet they'd stick around longer.  Part of my fear of dying is what I'm going to miss coming from Apple, but that's why I have a degree in Biopsychology.  I can now rationally deal with that crap while focusing on making amazing iMovie creations of grass growing, dogs mating, and my neighbor running around the house nude.  (He's a PC, so I have no problem broadcasting what he does in his spare time!)

I am sure that after reading this, Steve Jobs, you will come up with a fitting job for me.  I am more than willing to relocate to California, but I will not change my last name to Jobs.  No offense, but that' s a lame last name.  I would; however, change my name to Melissa Works.  That way, when people talk about me and they ask where I work, they can just say: "Melissa Works for Apple."  Saves words and sentences, doesn't it?


Melissa K. McCarthy

PS - My dad is Mike McCarthy, but I cannot get you free Packer tickets.  Well, if you can get me a free Mac, I might be able to pull some strings.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

From Senioritis to Senior Moments

I woke up bright and early at 6:00 AM.  I blame the birds outside my window.  Some people call it chirping, some call it singing, and I call it death metal in the morning.  Threw a pillow on top of my head, curled up, and went back to sleep.  Until 11:15 AM!  Now, I wasn't really intending to sleep that long.  It just sort of happened.

The plan was to drive home to Wausau in time for a Father's Day cookout at 5:30, so I had three hours to get my truck packed and be on my way.  After getting dressed, I quick ran down to clean out the truck.  Without keys.  You can imagine my surprise when I went to turn the doorknob and realized I had locked myself out of my apartment.  Of course, my cell phone was inside, too.

I thought about busting out some of my Jack Bauer moves to knock the door down, but figured that would tick off the landlord.  After turning the knob as hard as I could, hanging from it like a kid on the monkey bars, and saying a few choice phrases, I went around back to the garage.  Of course, there were no tools to be found.  Just an old washer and dryer, a ladder, some lawn mowers, and nothing of any use to me.  I pulled a nail off of the wall and figured I'd try to pick my way in.

Ten minutes with the nail and I called it quits.  Fortunately, my neighbor was outside raking his lawn, so I borrowed his phone and called the next best thing to 9-1-1: American Lock & Key.  Over an hour later, the guy arrived with his toolbox and opened the door.  And that, my friends, is how you spend $48 on stupidity.

After my door was opened, I proceeded about my day and tried to pack up for my trip to Wausau.  The next thing I know, it's 6:30 and I'm just waking up from a nap I didn't intend to take.  I probably would have continued sleeping soundly, but heartburn decided to be my alarm clock.  Then I realized - today was the first day in 5 days that I haven't had Mac & Cheese.  Must be the withdrawals.

Instead of making anything, I drove down to Festival and found Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey.  It practically fell out of the freezer and into my hands, so that's what I had for dinner.

We're going to try and re-do this day tomorrow because today was an epic FAIL!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

ER: Stitch Removal

This morning I looked in the mirror and thought, I really don't need these stitches in my face anymore.  So, I went into the ER to have them removed.

This is my serious look.  It looks less ridiculous that my bottom-lip smile look.
I figured that a Saturday morning in the ER would be quiet and I'd be in and out in no time.  Outside the ER was a woman sitting on a bench.  She took one look at my lip, dropped her mouth, and followed me with her eyes as I walked passed her and through the doors.  She was dressed in gray sweatpants, crocs, and a t-shirt that didn't quite cover her belly.  I am not sure what the politically correct term is these days, but she was quite obese. 

I went to check-in.  The patient liaison took my paperwork and after a few seconds of typing, she looked up at me and said, "Oh!  Wow!!!  You do have a facial laceration!!!!  I didn't even notice."  The same could not be said for Ms. Sweatpants outside the door.

After receiving my pager, I took a seat between a middle-aged guy in a Harley jacket and an elderly couple.  That's when it caught my attention:  Ms. Sweatpants had her back side pressed right up against the glass by the receptionist's counter.  Her pants were riding low and her shirt was flying high.  The liaisons were talking about ordering lunch, so I assumed they hadn't noticed.  Either that, or these things just don't bother them anymore.

Another lady walked in.  Her birthday was 2-28-41.  Calm down - I'm not psychic.  They ask everyone their birthday when they come in.

Liaison: What brings you here today?
2-28-41: I think I have an infection in my stomach.  It's all bloated.

I have seven years of college completed, so that practically makes me a doctor.  I mentally diagnose her with bad gas from the senior menu at Perkins and discharge her.  She takes a seat next to me and the next ones arrive: An elderly woman in a wheelchair and an elderly man pushing her.  Instead of paying attention to this one, I'm trying to teach myself Hmong by reading the translated "It's the Law" sign.  The liaison asks for the woman's address. . .  no answer.  LONG pause. . . and no answer.  I wonder if she moves as much as me, or if it's just old age.

Meanwhile, behind the waiting area were curtained cubicles.  A nurse was talking with a patient in the one right behind our chairs and we could hear just about everything.

Patient: I don't know... I've been all, like bloated, and I'm cramping!  And I'm changing my pad every hour!
Nurse: <whispers something>
Patient: WELL, I just feel like I'm gonna die.

(I mentally diagnose her with what is called a menstrual period and send her out the door with some big girl panties.)

A pager buzzes and Ms. Sweatpants walks through the waiting room, staring right at my lip the entire time.  I wanted to bark at her like a bull dog, but I remained calm.  After all, it's not everyday you see someone with six stitches holding their lip together.  I'd stare too.  Actually, no I wouldn't.

The patient directly behind us continued whining about Aunt Flo.  And then, Sweatpants captured our attention from the next curtain down:
Nurse: Not feeling so well today?
Sweatpants: I got the diarrhea real bad!!!
Nurse: Are you running a fever?
Sweatpants: Yeah!  A-hundred-and-two point four.

My pager went off at that point, so I took a walk toward the back with an RN.  Last time I had stitches out, I was in 1st grade and they were under my chin.  I remember walking out of the doctor's office with stickers and a sucker and Dad saying, "Now, it wasn't that bad was it?"  And, I agreed.  It wasn't bad at all.  So, I had no apprehension about this time around at all.

Until I sat down and the nurse picked up a sterile pack of tools and opened them up right there at the desk.  What was this about?  No room?  She sat right in front of me, gloved up, and started going to town.  It didn't necessarily hurt, but the first one wasn't what I remembered, nor expected.  (Not that my memory of 1st grade is entirely clear!)  I could feel her pull the stitch out slowly and my skin sliding along with it.  It was gross.  The second and third came out without a problem. As the stitches were closer to the lip, the more intense it became.  Four was a little longer and I could feel all of the heat in my body rush to my face.  I've passed out donating blood on a few occasions.  And, I passed out cold in the middle of a waiting room after having blood drawn.  I was starting to feel a little like that when she started tugging on number five.

"This one may not be ready to come out.  Let me go get Lisa and have her take a look."  The nurse went to find the other RN and it gave me enough time to recompose myself.  One stitch was left, besides the dissolvable one that needed to stay put.  I was ready!!!

Lisa came back, took a quick look, and gave the RN the go ahead.  And, out it came!  The longest bugger of them all.  After a simple request, she was putting all of the stitches into a specimen cup for me to take home!!!!

RN: They talked to you about scarring, right?
Me: Yes...
RN: Well, you will definitely have some scarring!  You can call a plastic surgeon's office and ...
(The rest of what she said didn't register... no way in hell am I going to get plastic surgery.  Do you need to know why?  I'll show you!!)

Friday, June 17, 2011

Entertaining My Insomnia

I think I took a few too many naps today.  Ah, the life of a recent graduate.  Maybe it's the new apartment?!  There's a constant thumping below my bedroom, which I think may be a ceiling fan, as well as a train that runs a few blocks away that makes the entire house vibrate.  Whatever the case may be, I'm wide awake at 12:51 AM.

First things first, I am addicted to One Life to Live, again.  I've been a soap opera junkie on and off for many, many years.  In fact, I wanted to be a soap opera writer when I grew up.  Actually, I still wouldn't mind doing that.  You know your addiction may have gone a little too far when you're wide awake at 11:30 PM figuring out the storyline that took a twist you didn't expect.  So, I checked out abc.go.com and sure enough - today's episode was posted!  So, I watched it.  Let me also say that I am heartbroken this show has been canceled and is going off the air in January.

A little alcohol sometimes gets people in trouble when they try to send text messages, or call an ex.  In my case, a little case of insomnia leads to writing letters to ABC executives begging them to reconsider! 

It's essential to take a break here and there, so in the midst of crying over Gigi's death (on OLTL that I totally did not see coming), I like to watch this dog over and over and over and over:

When I can no longer laugh at the poor dog, I like to browse other interesting videos people put up on YouTube.  Like, Debbie's video bio for eHarmony. . .

WOW!!  That's all I can say on that one.  Moving on . . .

I've attempted taking off my free bracelets that I got in the ER.  It would be a lot easier if I could find a damn pair of scissors.  Man, I remember back in the day when I'd go to water parks or some place that gave you a wristband, I would have contests with myself to see how long I could keep them on.  A wristband that said Noah's Ark - America's Largest Waterpark is so much cooler than the one I have broadcasting to the world that I am allergic to amoxicillin!  And don't even get me started on the stupid paper one.  It's paper!!  Paper is supposed to rip. 

Note to self: sharpen the damn knives in the kitchen!  Cripes, girl!  How do you cut anything with those?

Watch this again:

What bracelet?  I want that dog!!!

Here's another one of my YouTube favorites!!!  I'm sure everyone and their brother has seen this video:

I was actually thinking about this kid when they were sewing me up in the ER.  I would just like to know why I didn't get what he got!!  AND, I bet they gave him stickers and suckers.  Growing up sucks, huh?

Okay... okay ... just one more time and I PROMISE I am going to go to sleep:

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Unmedicated Blogging

I remember taking Biology in high school and having to dissect a frog.  We pulled our "dead" frog out of a pile and pinned it to the dissection tray.  As soon as we started to make the incision, the frog leaped off the tray and sent my partner and me screaming.  The teacher picked up the frog by the legs and whacked his head on the counter.  We were excused from the dissection and had to write a paper instead.  That isn't really what happened here, but it would be funny if it had.  

Anyway, here's me:

Sixteen Hours Post-Injury

Today 5:03 AM

And when asked how this happened, here are some possibilities I could tell people:

  1. I was yodeling so loud that I shattered glass and a piece came and sliced me wide open!
  2. Bar fight.  I won and took off on a stolen motorcycle.
  3. Had a motorcycle accident.
  4.  I picked up a piece of barbed wire and thought it was licorice!   Note to self: Get Glasses Fixed!
  5. I was trying to walk, text, and chew gum at the same time.
  6. I stabbed myself to take the attention off of my acne.
  7. I wanted to look like Goldie Hawn, so I got lip injections off of the black market.  Never again.
  8. I opened up the tailgate of the truck when the naked Asian guy from "The Hangover" jumped out and pounded me with a crowbar!
  9. It was an unfortunate mishap at the petting zoo.  Why was there a pit bull in the petting zoo, anyway?
  10. I had a run-in with security at a Justin Bieber concert.  

I think I will just stick with the truth, though.  I was bobbing for apples and someone dressed a piranha up like Granny Smith.

Anyway, I think having senioritis prepared me quite well for something like this.  I'm used laying around doing nothing and I'm actually pretty good at it.  I'm also really good at napping, even though it never used to be something I enjoyed.  Now, all I have to do is pretend I'm in a lecture, and I'm out like a bear in winter!

Now, about my future as a model. . . well, we'll talk about that later.  Right now, I need to figure out how to blow my nose without busting my lip open.  I think I should make a video and if it's a success, I'll put it on YouTube.  Okay, maybe not.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Ridonkulous & Other Words to Avoid in a Job Interview

As I prepare my resume and tackle the tedious task of writing cover letters, I think it's time to take a break and share with you my expertise in nailing the job application process.

Here are a few words you should avoid and why:
  • Dumbass: Although this is one of my favorite words to use when referring to some of the undesirables I have run into, you should not use it in an interview, or on an application/resume.
    • Context Example:  I left that job because my boss was a dumbass.  
  • Ginormous: It may be cute on the elementary and middle school playground, but there is a time and place for it.  I suppose, if you're applying for a job at Walmart, go for it.  Otherwise, get a Thesaurus and find a replacement for it.
    • Context Example:  Yeah, I'm on disability because my last job, I had to put these ginormous blow up dolls on the highest shelves in the store and one attacked me.
  • Bacne: If your "back acne" comes up in conversation, you are entirely beyond help and I will have to just accept the fact that I am forever going to be paying taxes to support your ridonkulous dumbass.  Enough said.
    • Context Example: Sorry I'm late.  I had a hell of a time trying to pop some of my bacne.
  • Like:  There's a time and place for this word.  It is not a space-filler for when you're stuck or thinking.  Silence is better than like.  If you are an "um" and "like" user, be warned that some people will start mentally counting how many times you use your two words.  What this means is a) they don't give a rat's ass about what you're saying anymore because they are too distracted by the "um" and "like" overdose and b) you probably aren't going to be called for a second interview. 
    • Context Example: It was like, kind of a lame job, 'cuz like, I'm not really like a people person.
  • Got: It's just a dumb word.  You will sound dumb when you use it.
    • Context Example: I got a good discount on stuff, so I put up with the dumbass boss.
  •  Fantabulous: Again, a great word if Justin Bieber is every single one of your ringtones.  
    • Context Example: I was the most fantabulous employee that gentleman's club has ever seen!
  • Ridonkulous: I must admit, I love this word.  It's just not a good time to showcase your extensive playground vocabulary when you're trying to land a job.  
    • Context Example: My schedule was RIDONKULOUS!!!  They kept expecting me to work, like, everyday. 
I'm sure there are more words I could add to this list, but it's way past my bedtime.  Feel free to add your suggestions in the comment thread!

Thursday, June 2, 2011


Melissa's moving?  What?  Really?

Yes.  I move about as often as Lindsay Lohan appears in court.  I moved to La Crosse in 2006.  Since then, I have moved from 6th street to Cass Street, to Cameron Avenue, to Main Street, to Wausau, back to La Crosse to 19th Street, and now back to Cass Street.  Making my rounds on the south side.  I should be an expert on moving, huh?

Here are some tips from a moving expert:

  •  Screw moving boxes.  What you do is get a few big rubbermaid totes.  Fill them up, take them to the new place, dump them all over the floor, and then go back for more crap.  You can organize later.
  •  Don't hire a moving crew.  Moving crews are for sissies!  Besides, when you have people working with you, you can't plop your hinder (yes, I call the rear-end a hinder) down whenever you want and chug a soda, take a nap, or stare off into space and think to yourself, "Why the Hell am I doing this by myself?"  
  •  Having problems moving that mattress and box spring up the narrowest and steepest flight of stairs you have ever seen in your life?  SUCK IT UP!!!  The faster you get it to the top, the faster you can crash on it.
  •  As tempting as it may be to go out and get a case of beer, or meet a friend for a pina colada, only do so when you are COMPLETELY done hauling the big stuff, the fragile stuff, and basically everything.  
  •  Embrace distractions.  Moving is hard work and if staring at the ceiling fan and following it spin makes you happy, for crying out loud, stare at it!  Drool if you have to.  
  •  Eat - you'll need the energy.  Just don't eat to the point where you have to unbotton the top button on your pants.  If it gets to that point, moving is going to be uncomfortable.  Elastic waistbands help.
  •  Drink lots of water.  Not to stay hydrated, but to make it necessary to take more potty breaks.
  •  Don't be afraid to donate stuff to Goodwill, The Salvation Army, or the curb.  
  • If you happen to be dating someone at the time you're moving - if he's sleeping on the couch while you tiptoe around with heavy totes so you don't wake him up... re-evaluate the situation.
  •  Last, but not least, always look at the apartment you're renting before you sign on for a year!