Notebook Hunting

My name is Melissa and I HATE shopping.  Well, I take that back.  I hate shopping for groceries, clothes, churches, boyfriends, and booze.  There are some things I enjoy shopping for - mostly electronics and school supplies.  Yesterday I went out shopping for school supplies.  With only two classes on the schedule, the list wasn't terribly long, but it was specific:

• 1 binder big enough for both classes, but small enough to fit into the laptop bag
• 2 Mead 3 subject college ruled spiral notebooks - preferably to match the binder

Attached to my list was this note to myself:

You DO NOT need highlighters.  Don't buy them.

You DO NOT need Sharpies.  Don't buy them.

You DO NOT need a 3 hole punch.  DON'T buy one.

You DO NOT need pens.  I'm not going to bother telling you not to buy them because you will anyway.

You DO NOT need flash drives.  Same as above, though.

Best Buy was my first stop.  Not specifically for the shopping list, but for entertainment purposes.  It was like Christmas, actually.  I found 8 GB flash drives for $6.99.  JACKPOT.  Walked around, looked at the new iPad minis, MacBook Air and Pros, and checked the Mary Chapin Carpenter inventory.  Walked out with three more flash drives and proceeded to Office Max.

I found the binder and purchased an insert to divide the classes.  The notebook selection was a complete disappointment.  You might think you're getting a great notebook because it has a plastic cover and ready-to-tear-out pages, but you're not.  You're paying $9 for paper that won't stay in the notebook and rips out while you're taking notes.  Looseleaf paper is cheaper.  Use it, but get a real notebook.  

The Perfect Notebook

Office Max did not have my Mead 3 subject college ruled spiral bound notebook that I needed.  Shame on Office Max.  How can you be an office supply store and not have the best notebook?  I went to Target thinking I would have better luck there.  

Nope.

I was ready to go chop down a forest and make my own notebook at that point.  But, I didn't.  I decided to try Shopko.  While they did indeed have my Mead 3 subject college ruled spiral bound notebook, they only had it in green and red.  Freaking Christmas and it didn't match the soft lime green of the binder I had just purchased.  What's a girl to do?  I sucked it up and purchased the two notebooks because I was fed up with shopping at that point.  

I guess now that I have all my stuff, I can start school.  On the roster for my 17th semester of college: Behavior Disorders and Alcohol & Drug Abuse Professional Skills II.  I plan on fulling all 240 pages of those notebooks!  BRING IT!  

Dragging in the New Year

New Year's Day I woke up with a bit of a sore throat.  I talked to my sister on the phone that morning for a little while.  After I hung up, I stood up to get on with the day and felt like a semi, driven by a large, bearded dude in flannel and a baseball cap, slammed right into me.  Six days later, I finally peeled myself into an upright position and took my uninsured ass into Urgent Care.  Found out my flu shot wasn't worth a damn this year because this particular virus was one that wasn't part of the vaccination package.  At most, this could take up to two weeks to kick completely.  The average is 10 days and we all know how I feel about average - I define it!  Today is the first day that I haven't had any thoughts of death and the first day that I've had more than just fluids since this hit, so I think it's safe to say 2013 could still be a good year.

Actually, 2013 is going to be a fantastic year.  After seventeen (long) months of sending out resumes, cover letters, and filling out countless applications (over 200), I finally landed a career in my field.  On January 21st, I will begin working in an inpatient behavioral health unit and couldn't be more excited.  It's going to be difficult to adjust to having a steady, reliable income again.  I think I'll manage, though.

With this new path I'm taking, I am considering making this my last semester of classes for a while.  I miss music and the photography gig got a little tiring.  I'm now in a position to do exactly what I want with photography - children and newborns - and not take anything I can get just for the money.  I'm ready to write - a LOT.  I have memoirs in progress, a collection of poetry, and stories that I might now actually find the time (and money) to finish and publish.  I'd have time to FINALLY put out a new CD.  (It's been almost 5 years!)  Not to mention, it would also be incredible to pay down some of my undergraduate loans before I consider taking on a master's program.  I see big things happening in 2013.

In the meantime, I'm going to take a fly swatter to this bug that has kicked my ass, preview the courses I'll begin next week, and think of a new direction for this blog.  I have ideas.  Trust me, I HAVE ideas.

Letter to a Jackass!

This was found under my windshield wiper this morning when I left work and I have to say, I'm kind of pissed about it.  If anyone knows the twerp responsible for this, you can pass along my response.

Dear Jackass,

First of all, do not refer to me as "friend".  You are not lucky enough to be a friend of mine.  Considering what you do in your spare time, I'm guessing you have a hard time making friends.

You are right, though.  Someone did indeed vandalize my vehicle.  Litter on my windshield is disgusting.  I believe the perp is walking around downtown La Crosse looking like an idiot with nothing better to do than tag vehicles that don't agree with his/her politics.  Way to waste paper!

And, no, I am sorry honey, you are NOT a good samaritan.  A good samaritan is a compassionate person who unselfishly helps others.  In fact, it is a little odd that you would claim this title while vandalizing the vehicle of someone working less than a block away coaching people with disabilities in their place of employment so they are able to be more independent and provide a service to their community.  How exactly are you giving back?  I wish I had nothing better to do on a Tuesday morning than roam parking lots looking for vehicles with bumper stickers that opposed my political viewpoint.

Speaking of my political viewpoint -- it's mine.  Not yours.  I respectfully understand that we disagree.  Going door-to-door and counseling all of the people with Obama signs in their yard to spread your message would probably be more rewarding for you.  Oh, that's right.  You're a coward and would rather do it the anonymous route.

-- Not Your Friend

Jennifer Livingston

I don't always go on blog rants, but this pissed me off just enough to do it.  First, read this article and take the time to watch the 4:20 video clip.

TV Anchor Responds to Viewer's Attack on Her Weight

Also on MSNBC

If your blood is not boiling, you probably have never struggled with your weight.  I challenge this moron that sent the e-mail to gain 100 pounds and try to lose it before he EVER criticizes another soul.  For many, if not all, obesity is just as much a choice that someone makes as being born with brown eyes is a choice.  Unfortunately, being a bully is a choice - and a poor one at that.  For someone to call out a complete stranger in such a horrendous way is cowardly and I hope to God he does not have the ability to reproduce.  I've come across the offspring this type creates and it's not pretty.  

To start, Jennifer's response was proof that she is a class act and, contrary to what the e-mail stated, she is indeed a role model - especially for young girls and women.  Success is not measured by a dress size or a number on a scale and having only people that fit a certain look in the public eye is ridiculous.  I commend her for taking it to the morning news and addressing it.  By doing this publicly, she wins.  Somewhere right now, the author of that e-mail is, I hope, sitting somewhere feeling mighty ashamed of himself.  This aired this morning on the local news and already tomorrow she is going to be making appearances on national television, including Good Morning America on ABC.

In this country, one third of children and adolescents are obese and 35.7% of adults are obese.  (http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/adult.html)  I bet there is not one person in that group that doesn't have a story to tell about being bullied.  It takes a special kind of asshole to think that a nasty e-mail is going to be the inspirational motivator that cures obesity.  For those of us who have struggled or are struggling with weight and body image issues, there are sometimes underlying issues that small minds like this guy can't even begin to comprehend.  

My Amazing Backpack - Part II

I packed up my backpack last night with my laptop, along with some cords and cables and drove off to take care of some business.  When I pulled it out of the truck, I threw it over my shoulder and noticed it felt funny.  After looking over my shoulder, I noticed that the zipper split again and my laptop was dangling, about to fall out onto concrete.  (My laptop is in about the same shape as the backpack, by the way.)  So, I caught it and adjusted the zipper and was good to go.

Unfortunately, class starts on August 29th and it's time to consider the option of purchasing a new backpack.  With that, I need to emphasize the word "consider" because I've gone backpack shopping several times.  None of the backpacks seem to be able to measure up, though.

After browsing the shelves and back-to-school specials, I find myself reasoning that I don't need a new backpack.  This one can make it through 17 more credits, right?  Sure, I'll probably be spending a lot of time picking up books, pens, highlighters, and the laptop off the floor every time the zipper gives, but it's worth it.

Another thought is maybe buying an outer backpack to carry the backpack for me.  Is that cheating?

As I think about it, here are two photographs of my travels with the backpack:

The Backpack With Me in Rome, Italy

The Backpack resting in Cockscomb, Belize

Planning is for Planners...

I, on the other hand, am more of a Change of Planner.  One day last week, I drove to three different McDonald's restaurants at 5 AM trying to hunt down an iced mocha.  Seriously, why are they cleaning their McCafe machines in the morning?  Luckily, the third time was the charm.  It was after my straw wrapper was on the floor and I was sucking the syrup from the top that I realized I may have finally found the appropriate career/degree for me: Addiction Studies.  With only 17 credits to complete a second degree, why not?  So, that what I'm tackling this fall.  Unless of course my mind is changed along the way.

In the meantime, I'm shooting things with my camera, banging on my guitar in empty coffee shops, caring for elderly people, and growing more elderly myself.  We're all growing elderly actually.  Some of us are just more advanced in the aging department, but don't you worry little ones - you'll catch up IF you're lucky.  When I'm not doing all of that, I'm mentally swearing at the heat and humidity that has embraced us this summer and gaining incredible amounts of muscle mass at Anytime Fitness.  I just never realized how squishy muscle was, which makes me wonder if I'm doing it wrong.

Brace Yourselves -- The Seventh Year Senior reclaims her spot in the classroom in 42 days!

What am I doing?

Do you ask yourself this question at all?  I sure do.  Lately, it's all the time.  Mostly it's in a baffled grunt and modified to, "Meliss-ugh!  What the hell are you doing?"

My most recent self-assessment occurred in a lounge at school.  I was supposed to be studying, but found myself listening to students talk about research and I decided I no longer liked what I was studying and wanted to, yes... you guessed it, change my "major"... again.

The whole teaching thing was a great idea for a few minutes, but here's what happened:  Melissa's applied for many jobs since graduating last year.  When I say many, I mean over a hundred.  I've gone to three interviews, had one phone interview, and received a small handful of e-mails saying I lacked experience.  The next logical step would be grad school, right?  The application didn't quite process and there I sat staring at yet another year of rejection letters and telling Grandpa the weather forecast and the television channel he's on.  I went into a bit of a panic and found the post-bac program and Ta-Da!  I had a plan for the fall, but didn't really analyze the long-term.  Science?  Biology?  Hmm...

So, I did a little more exploring.  I was only 21 credits away from having a double major in addiction studies.  I bet I could get some of those credits waived if I did a little reporting on my Facebook and Barnes and Noble addictions.  (As I type right now, I'm at Barnes and Noble with a separate browser open with Facebook feeds popping up.  That right there makes me head of the class, right?)

I would say, "Why didn't you look into this earlier?"  That would be pointless, though.  I was in a get-me-graduated mindset last year.  You don't ever question decisions made when you're in that mentality.

So, here I am.  At Barnes and Noble.  Blogging, on Facebook, and working on my book that I am pretty sure I could self-publish by the end of the year if I just continue along on my 'sabbatical' and re-visit the idea of graduate school.

Maybe now would be a good time to look into psychic readings?

My Amazing Backpack

If my backpack had hands, it would sign autographs.  It's not just a backpack anymore; it's an attachment to Melissa's shoulder, much like a child is an attachment to a hip.  It came into my possession when I was still in high school.  Looking at it, you would never guess that it's been to Alaska and back a few times, on float planes, on ferries, on jet boats, busses, hikes, and carried over 170 credits worth of college books.  

The zipper isn't quite reliable anymore, but I've figured out the trick to it.  The day I was walking down the hallway and I heard the unzipping before feeling the load on my back lighten up and heard all of my books crash to the floor was the day I thought I'd have to buy a new one.  That was three years ago.  The day this backpack dies is going to be like euthanizing my best friend.  Well, maybe not that extreme, but pretty damn close.  

This backpack has been my pillow on a few occasions.  Christmas break 2004, I curled up with it on the floor of the SEATAC airport during a layover in the middle of the night.  When I moved to Alaska, it rode shotgun.  When I moved back from Alaska, it rode shotgun.  All the rest of my belongings had to sit in the back, or worse yet, in the truck bed, but not the backpack.  Next to my camera and guitar, the backpack would be one of the first things I would grab in a fire.  

It's gone into the washing machine for a few emergency cleanings.  Once after an explosion of conditioner on a flight.  After returning from Belize it was caked in dirt, mud, and probably microscopic critters that fled the country on my back.  

The backpack came with me to Italy.  It came with me to Hayward and has been on countless pontoon rides holding my SPF 70 sunscreen and beach towel.  It was with me in 2006 in Sayner when I smashed my finger in the car door.  It carried my camera to the hospital when I went to meet my nephew Nolan for the first time.  It has come to gigs with me and carried cords, mics, my song binder, and set list.  

I think my backpack needs its own Facebook page and Twitter account.  It's THAT amazing!

The 7th Year Senior Turns 30

So, a funny thing happened on the way to grad school.  I have spent the last ten months living across the street from a middle school.  Everyday, I see the kids at recess and miss working in schools.  To make a long and not-so-amusing story short, I've come to the realization that I belong in education.  SO, back to La Crosse I go to continue on with this education process.  The 7th Year Senior returns.  

With that, I'm turning 30 next week!  That's a big milestone, so I'm making it a month-long celebration.  A month of reflecting on how far I've come, a month of enjoying where I am at, and a month of looking forward to hopefully another 30 years.  Another 30 years of college... ?  Maybe.

Today was day 1 on my journey to 30.  Of course, I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather go everyday of my life than Barnes and Noble.  I was pretty excited when I saw this sketchbook, so I bought it, along with a set of pencils.  I'm not an artist by any means, but try to stop me.   

In high school, I took a few art classes and loved drawing.  I need to journal more, too.  Journaling is fun.  And, I do journal in sketchbooks.  It has been a little over two years now since I ditched lined pages when it comes to writing.  It's freedom at its finest.  

Speaking of high school, I have a list of goals I had for myself from my senior year.  There are quite a few things I didn't quite accomplish yet.  Published Author is one of them.  I will carry that one over into my thirties.  

AND. . . I am $15.37 richer today thanks to all the people that have digitally downloaded my music over these last two years.  Happy Birthday to ME!  I think I'll put it toward my next CD. With only about $1,984.63 more to go, I should be able to put something special together by the time I'm 102.  

The GRfrickenE

GRE is said to stand for Graduate Record Examinations.  That's a bunch of bullshit.  It should stand for Gotta Remember Everything or Go dRink Elcohol.  In typical Melissa style, I have 34 days to gather three letters of recommendation, finish my CV, study/register/take the GRE, and finish the rest of the application process.  I'm making peace with the fact that I might be taking another year off before tackling any type of graduate work.  That's okay, right?

They say to prep you should read newspapers like The New York Times.  That shit is boring.  I read the Onion and Facebook status updates.  Tell me I'm not ready for grad school!

These tests don't analyze crap, actually.  Well, maybe they do - but I'm a lousy test-taker, so I like to tell myself they are useless methods of analyzing my true intelligence.  I mean, come on - these schools just want your money, so why do they make it so difficult to get in?  I don't mind jumping through hoops, but this is like belly flopping through hoops.

In the meantime, I should probably get myself a cup of coffee and a copy of the New York Times.  If I get a puppy, it will need something to piss on.

Back in the Sabbatical Saddle

That's right, I'm on sabbatical.  Again.  We are now two days into September and all of the local schools have started the new academic year.  Every department store have 'back to school' specials, the supplies are flying off the shelves at all the stores, and even the leaves are starting to turn.  It's my favorite time of year, yet I feel so ... ... ... left out.  I want new notebooks, highlighters, folders, binders, pens, pencils, a locker combination, and an orientation, too.

The only way I am going to get through this school withdrawal is to start the graduate school search.  Along with that comes the test prep.  Considering the deadlines are usually January or February, I have my work cut out for me.

So here is my list of things I need to accomplish within the next year:

1. Go to Ireland  (Every good sabbatical requires a trip somewhere.)
2. Finish my memoir (Every good sabbatical also requires the completion of a book)
3. Write some songs
4. Record a studio album with some of those recently written songs
5. Play gigs to sell that album with all of those recently written and recorded songs
6. Find some intriguing graduate programs
7. Apply to those intriguing graduate programs
8. Prep for the MAT and/or GRE
9. Take the MAT and/or GRE
10. Make my family so incredibly sick of having me around that they won't mind if I find a graduate program out of the state. . . or . . . country?!

May the sabbatical begin... again!!! 

Back to School Shopping

Like it or not, August is right around the corner.  The stores already have their "Back to School" sections stocked with notebooks, pencils, pens, folders, binders, and everything else students need.  Before all of you college freshmen venture out to the stores to blow your parents' money, let me give you some words of wisdom.

First of all, go for it.  Buy the most expensive supplies you can find.  Buy your textbooks brand new from the college bookstore.  In fact, buy all of your school supplies from the college bookstore, too.  That way you can kick yourself when you finally figure out that used textbooks online can save you hundreds of dollars.

You can never have enough Easy Mac, Chef Boyardee, and Top Ramen.  You have that Freshman 15 to tackle, so get a head start on that.

Remember all that cash you received from your high school graduation party?  STASH IT!!  Put it in a safe and secure place that is locked and hidden.  That way, when you are issued your first underage ticket, you can pay the fine and not have to ask your parents for the money.

As tempting as all the Best Buy, Verizon, and U.S. Cellular ads are, you DO NOT need a brand new top-of-the-line cell phone, laptop, iPad, iPod, or any other gadget.  In fact, most professors frown upon having laptops in lecture because, let's face it, you're not diligently adding notes to the Power Points.  You're on Facebook.  Cell phones in class are about as cool as walking into the class with a fully loaded shotgun and coonskin cap.  Yes, the dumbasses before you tried texting exam answers and that put the ban on cell phones.  In addition, I have been on MANY college campuses and happen to know that there are computers there for you to use.  Printers, too.

Here's a list of things I considered must-haves for my backpack when in college:

• Small stapler 
• Highlighters - at least 3 different colors
• 2-3 mechanical pencils 
• 3 pens
• Post-it notes
• 2 Flash drives  (Why 2, you ask?  BACK UP EVERYTHING!  Well, the important stuff.  With technology these days, there's no excuse for having something "not working" or "not saved")

As a side note, buy 1 good backpack and take care of it.  I have had the same backpack through two years of high school, three years of an associate's degree, four years of work in education, and four years of my bachelor's degree.

Now, I have never lived in the dorms.  I have been in one and they are tiny.  Pack wisely. 

Other considerations for shopping:

• One subject notebooks will not get you far in college  Go for the three-subject notebooks
• Be prepared to print quite a bit.  Most professors use Power Point lectures.  If you plan to print these, have three-ring binders on hand and your own 3-hole punch.
• Most, if not all, colleges/universities will have free planners, but they are not always very big.  I always wanted one with lots of space to keep myself organized!  Office Max have the best ones that I have found.

Whether you're living on or off campus, just remember that at some point, some of the crap you bring with you will probably end up on a curb with a "FREE" sign attached to it.    

Top Ten Ways to Celebrate Independence Day!!

10.  Throw a Fit in a Campground!!  Nothing says "Independence" like being handcuffed and spanked with a boatload of charges for misbehaving.


9.  What better way to spend the 4th of July than on the water?  Just make sure you plan ahead.  If you can't plan ahead, get your lazy ass out of your vehicle and walk up to the ATM to avoid any potential disasters.  

8.  FOUR WORDS:  Hot Dog Eating Contest!!!  The 4th of July just would not be The 4th of July without a massive heart attack!






7.  Weather permitting, a leisurely bike stroll is always a 4th of July favorite!

Don't forget to take your friends, too!

6.  Explosives!!!  Lots of illegal explosives to show the world you are free to do whatever you want!

5.  GO SWIMMING!!!!!!!

4.  Show your patriotic side by setting up this one of a kind Americana rig at your favorite camping location.  Unfortunately, for those in Minnesota, you'll have to park it somewhere the government has not shut down. 

3.  Don't do a damn thing and write about it on your Facebook status!!! 

2.  EAT WATERMELON UNTIL YOU TURN INTO ONE!!!!

And the Number One Way to Celebrate Independence Day:

1.  Wear Sunscreen!

Sunny Side Up

Wednesday morning, I went downstairs to my truck, put my camera bag and laptop bag in the backseat, shut the door, and got in.  I drove all the way to work and it wasn't until I stepped out into the parking lot and went to open the back door of the truck that I noticed this:

How I managed to drive four miles without noticing the egg splattered on my mirror is beyond me.  It's probably just that I am not used to being up and about before 9:00 AM. 

So, there's a half of a gallon of milk in my fridge that expired on June 12th.  I also have some stale Cheez-Its and the world's moldiest bowl of Mac & Cheese in the garbage that hasn't gone out yet.  If I wasn't so fond of sleeping, I would spend the night waiting for the drive-by chefs to come back and make them a concoction all my own.

As long as we're talking about eggs, I figured you might enjoy reading these:

12 Extraordinary Facts about Eggs

Enjoy!

Determining my "worth"

Out of curiosity, I did a Google search to see how much celebrity impersonators make in Las Vegas.  Are you ready for this?  Anywhere from between $150 - $1000 an hour.  Some have been known to make over $3000 for an event.  Now that my lip is movable and I can do my "Celine Dion" again... I think I best be getting on the next plane out of here.  Any suggestions on how to grow 6 inches taller?


So I started thinking about this.  I'm pretty much broke, but I'm way too talented, skilled, and crafty to be broke.  I'm not a huge spender.  Well, my problem is actually that lately I'm not a huge earner, either!  Welcome to the wonderful world of freelance/self-employment, I guess.

So tonight, here I am analyzing how much I am worth:

• Street musician in a decent sized city:  $55,000/year (avg.)
• Sign language interpreter: $22,000/year (avg.)
• Emerging photographer: $30,000/year (avg.)
• Celine Dion Impersonator: $4,400 (avg.)  (This would just be a few gigs a year... fun money!)
• Blogger: $17/hour (avg.) = $25,000/year (avg. part-time)
• Professional Yodeler: No information on salary found.  Deemed PRICELESS
• Biopsychology majors: $43,000/year (avg.)
• Gigging musician: $24,000/year (avg.)

**SO FAR - I am worth: $243,000

Now, remember.  We are in "the real world" now.  It's not all pats on the back, stickers for tying your shoes, and jelly beans for not pissing on the toilet seat.  Time to go back down that corporate ladder and reanalyze the situation.

• Can't mow a lawn:  -5,000/year
• Can't drive a stick shift: -1,500/year
• Can't cook for crap: -25,000/year
• Not fluent in Spanish: -30,000/year
• Solo musician w/out a band: -12,000/year
• Photography equipment: -10,000/year
• Rude people who don't call to cancel and just let you show up and wait: -2500/year
• Attire for "professional" stuff: -500/year
• Attire for the music, impersonations, etc: -3,000/year
• Insurance to cover all this stuff you have to have: -2,400/year
• Biopsychology: lack of a master's or doctorate: -35,000/year

**My worth is down to $103,100 . . . but WAIT!  We're not done, yet...

• I write crappy cover letters: -18,000/year
• Gas to travel all over creation: -3,500/year
• Lapsed interpreting license: - 22,000/year
• Moving expenses: -5,000/year
• Excessive amounts of Pro Bono work: -5,500

**This brings me back down to $49,000 ... but WAIT!!!  We have one more:

• STUDENT LOANS... $49,000

**TOTAL WORTH:  $0.00

Sample Cover Letter - Oprah

Still haven't heard from Steve Jobs, so I'm moving on to greater endeavors and new tactics.  In a dog-eat-dog job market, it's time to get creative with your cover letters.  Here is what I have come up with:

Dear Oprah,

Per your request, I have evaluated your Oprah Winfrey Network, O Magazine, and the Oprah.com website.  You are right, you will benefit greatly from my expertise and it would be a pleasure to have you as part of my team.  Unfortunately, at this time I am not hiring; however, your resume will be kept on file for six months.  I tell everyone that so they don't bother me for six months. 

Sincerely,

Melissa K. McCarthy


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Dear Oprah,

In regards to the last letter that was sent out, it was a mistake.  We told the intern to send out the rejection letter to another Oprah Winfrey; however, congratulations and welcome aboard!  I bet it's been a while since you have received a rejection letter.  I do hope it put your ego in check.

Revamping this network you have is going to a challenge, but together, I think we will be able to make it a smashing success.  Here are some of the proposals all of us at McCarthy Enterprises have come up with:

• Merging our names together: Oprah Winfrey Network & McCarthy Enterprises = OWN ME  Absolutely brilliant! 
• The royal wedding was not really an invitation for Sarah/Fergie to emerge from wherever she's been.  The show is not a total loss.  Since it is called Finding Sarah, we have come up with an idea of hiding Sarah in various places in Kentucky and sending teams out with clues to find her.  Kind of Amazing Race meets The Bachelorette because all the contestants are going to be men with roses.  Also, Sarah isn't going to know any of this.
• Time to ditch the reruns of the old show.  It's done.  It's gone.  It's time to move on.  
• We are going to really soar with this "Living Your Best Life" idea.  Not, living Oprah's best life.  But, the people watching OWN ME.  I think the best way to help people live their best lives is to give them some of your money.  Maybe even some keys to your house.  (Honestly, you do NOT need a house that big!)   

On a side note, I appreciate the complimentary issue of O magazine; however, I do not wish to subscribe.  You can quit sending me the bill for the subscription.

Looking forward to working with you,

Melissa McCarthy

Sample Cover Letter

As part of the post-graduation routine, I have spent countless hours Google searching sample cover letters as a guide for writing my own.  First off, cover letters are dumb.  I am not fond of them at all.  I'd rather just send an e-mail saying, "Look at this crap I call experience, give me a call, and hire me."

Instead of looking at all the crap people put on the Internet for you to find, I'm finally going to put a sample cover letter out there that will actually yield results.


June 22, 2011

Steve Jobs
Apple
1 Infinite Loop
Cupertino, CA 95014

Dear Steve,

I need a job, and considering your last name, I would guess you have some.  I am highly qualified for pretty much any position that involves sitting on my ass and playing on a Mac all day.  As a side-note, I would like to add that I would take the world's crappiest Mac over the world's greatest Dell.  I had a Dell once.  In the time it would take to start up, I could make a pot of coffee, take a shower, dry my hair, drink the entire pot of coffee, make a gourmet breakfast, go to work, and come home eight hours later to find it just getting through with the virus scan.  By the way, your commercials are funny as hell.  Maybe I could star in one?  Or, write one?  Or, both?  Did I mention I have a minor in Writing?

I think that I would be a great asset to your company.  I have brilliant ideas on how you can spend that ungodly amount of money you make and help boost the economy at the same time.  First, that is really nice that you give students and educators a discount, but $100 off?  Really?  Have you gone to college lately?  You can't even buy a free couch off a curb for $100 these days.  I think a buy one, get one free program would be a huge hit.

Maybe you could see me more as a product tester.  I could evaluate all of your new products, software, and whatever else all your brainiacs come up with.  The fact that I am not an expert makes me a top pick for this position because I can evaluate on a user-friendly level.  After all, let's face it, you really need to start marketing to the elderly.  If they saw what these incredible computers and gadgets can do, I bet they'd stick around longer.  Part of my fear of dying is what I'm going to miss coming from Apple, but that's why I have a degree in Biopsychology.  I can now rationally deal with that crap while focusing on making amazing iMovie creations of grass growing, dogs mating, and my neighbor running around the house nude.  (He's a PC, so I have no problem broadcasting what he does in his spare time!)

I am sure that after reading this, Steve Jobs, you will come up with a fitting job for me.  I am more than willing to relocate to California, but I will not change my last name to Jobs.  No offense, but that' s a lame last name.  I would; however, change my name to Melissa Works.  That way, when people talk about me and they ask where I work, they can just say: "Melissa Works for Apple."  Saves words and sentences, doesn't it?

Sincerely,

Melissa K. McCarthy

PS - My dad is Mike McCarthy, but I cannot get you free Packer tickets.  Well, if you can get me a free Mac, I might be able to pull some strings.

From Senioritis to Senior Moments

I woke up bright and early at 6:00 AM.  I blame the birds outside my window.  Some people call it chirping, some call it singing, and I call it death metal in the morning.  Threw a pillow on top of my head, curled up, and went back to sleep.  Until 11:15 AM!  Now, I wasn't really intending to sleep that long.  It just sort of happened.

The plan was to drive home to Wausau in time for a Father's Day cookout at 5:30, so I had three hours to get my truck packed and be on my way.  After getting dressed, I quick ran down to clean out the truck.  Without keys.  You can imagine my surprise when I went to turn the doorknob and realized I had locked myself out of my apartment.  Of course, my cell phone was inside, too.

I thought about busting out some of my Jack Bauer moves to knock the door down, but figured that would tick off the landlord.  After turning the knob as hard as I could, hanging from it like a kid on the monkey bars, and saying a few choice phrases, I went around back to the garage.  Of course, there were no tools to be found.  Just an old washer and dryer, a ladder, some lawn mowers, and nothing of any use to me.  I pulled a nail off of the wall and figured I'd try to pick my way in.

Ten minutes with the nail and I called it quits.  Fortunately, my neighbor was outside raking his lawn, so I borrowed his phone and called the next best thing to 9-1-1: American Lock & Key.  Over an hour later, the guy arrived with his toolbox and opened the door.  And that, my friends, is how you spend $48 on stupidity.


After my door was opened, I proceeded about my day and tried to pack up for my trip to Wausau.  The next thing I know, it's 6:30 and I'm just waking up from a nap I didn't intend to take.  I probably would have continued sleeping soundly, but heartburn decided to be my alarm clock.  Then I realized - today was the first day in 5 days that I haven't had Mac & Cheese.  Must be the withdrawals.


Instead of making anything, I drove down to Festival and found Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey.  It practically fell out of the freezer and into my hands, so that's what I had for dinner.


We're going to try and re-do this day tomorrow because today was an epic FAIL!

Entertaining My Insomnia

I think I took a few too many naps today.  Ah, the life of a recent graduate.  Maybe it's the new apartment?!  There's a constant thumping below my bedroom, which I think may be a ceiling fan, as well as a train that runs a few blocks away that makes the entire house vibrate.  Whatever the case may be, I'm wide awake at 12:51 AM.

First things first, I am addicted to One Life to Live, again.  I've been a soap opera junkie on and off for many, many years.  In fact, I wanted to be a soap opera writer when I grew up.  Actually, I still wouldn't mind doing that.  You know your addiction may have gone a little too far when you're wide awake at 11:30 PM figuring out the storyline that took a twist you didn't expect.  So, I checked out abc.go.com and sure enough - today's episode was posted!  So, I watched it.  Let me also say that I am heartbroken this show has been canceled and is going off the air in January.

A little alcohol sometimes gets people in trouble when they try to send text messages, or call an ex.  In my case, a little case of insomnia leads to writing letters to ABC executives begging them to reconsider! 

It's essential to take a break here and there, so in the midst of crying over Gigi's death (on OLTL that I totally did not see coming), I like to watch this dog over and over and over and over:

When I can no longer laugh at the poor dog, I like to browse other interesting videos people put up on YouTube.  Like, Debbie's video bio for eHarmony. . .

WOW!!  That's all I can say on that one.  Moving on . . .

I've attempted taking off my free bracelets that I got in the ER.  It would be a lot easier if I could find a damn pair of scissors.  Man, I remember back in the day when I'd go to water parks or some place that gave you a wristband, I would have contests with myself to see how long I could keep them on.  A wristband that said Noah's Ark - America's Largest Waterpark is so much cooler than the one I have broadcasting to the world that I am allergic to amoxicillin!  And don't even get me started on the stupid paper one.  It's paper!!  Paper is supposed to rip. 

Note to self: sharpen the damn knives in the kitchen!  Cripes, girl!  How do you cut anything with those?

Watch this again:

What bracelet?  I want that dog!!!

Here's another one of my YouTube favorites!!!  I'm sure everyone and their brother has seen this video:

I was actually thinking about this kid when they were sewing me up in the ER.  I would just like to know why I didn't get what he got!!  AND, I bet they gave him stickers and suckers.  Growing up sucks, huh?


Okay... okay ... just one more time and I PROMISE I am going to go to sleep:

Ridonkulous & Other Words to Avoid in a Job Interview

As I prepare my resume and tackle the tedious task of writing cover letters, I think it's time to take a break and share with you my expertise in nailing the job application process.

Here are a few words you should avoid and why:

• Dumbass: Although this is one of my favorite words to use when referring to some of the undesirables I have run into, you should not use it in an interview, or on an application/resume.
• Context Example:  I left that job because my boss was a dumbass.  

• Ginormous: It may be cute on the elementary and middle school playground, but there is a time and place for it.  I suppose, if you're applying for a job at Walmart, go for it.  Otherwise, get a Thesaurus and find a replacement for it.
• Context Example:  Yeah, I'm on disability because my last job, I had to put these ginormous blow up dolls on the highest shelves in the store and one attacked me.

• Bacne: If your "back acne" comes up in conversation, you are entirely beyond help and I will have to just accept the fact that I am forever going to be paying taxes to support your ridonkulous dumbass.  Enough said.
• Context Example: Sorry I'm late.  I had a hell of a time trying to pop some of my bacne.

• Like:  There's a time and place for this word.  It is not a space-filler for when you're stuck or thinking.  Silence is better than like.  If you are an "um" and "like" user, be warned that some people will start mentally counting how many times you use your two words.  What this means is a) they don't give a rat's ass about what you're saying anymore because they are too distracted by the "um" and "like" overdose and b) you probably aren't going to be called for a second interview. 
• Context Example: It was like, kind of a lame job, 'cuz like, I'm not really like a people person.

• Got: It's just a dumb word.  You will sound dumb when you use it.
• Context Example: I got a good discount on stuff, so I put up with the dumbass boss.

•  Fantabulous: Again, a great word if Justin Bieber is every single one of your ringtones.  
• Context Example: I was the most fantabulous employee that gentleman's club has ever seen!

• Ridonkulous: I must admit, I love this word.  It's just not a good time to showcase your extensive playground vocabulary when you're trying to land a job.  
• Context Example: My schedule was RIDONKULOUS!!!  They kept expecting me to work, like, everyday. 

I'm sure there are more words I could add to this list, but it's way past my bedtime.  Feel free to add your suggestions in the comment thread!