The Seventh Year Senior's Curriculum Vitae (CV)

Apparently, if you get yourself educated, you need to show off your big brain in the form of an elaborate resume called a 'curriculum vitae'.  The real one I have to turn in for a grade is giving me gray hair, so I'm going to do this one instead. . .

Melissa McCarthy

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington D.C., DC 20500-004

(202) 456-1414

PROFESSIONAL PROFILE

• Accomplished procrastinator proven to put off any ginormous project and complete it in seconds
• Effective communicator 
• Can tell someone to F#%K off in three languages
• Four if you count the middle finger as another language
• Fluent in sarcasm
• Developed & implemented new ways to demonstrate the eye roll and evil eye
• Seasoned in drinking excessive amount of coffee without peeing for an entire 8 hour shift

EDUCATION

• (2000)  Graduated High School by the seat of my pants.  Literally.  I was still serving detentions the day before graduation for all the school skipping.
• (2004)  Northcentral Technical College - Wausau, Wisconsin  My daddy was a trucker, so I was inspired to become fluent in sign language, too.  I wish I would have realized a lot sooner that it's not the same thing.
• (2011)  Viterbo University - La Crosse, Wisconsin  BS in Biopsychology.  I can BS about Biopsychology all day. 

ATTEMPTED EDUCATION

I applied and was accepted to all of the following schools:

• Musictech - St. Paul, MN
• McNally Smith - St. Paul, MN  (Same school as above.  I applied twice over a period of a few years and they changed the name in the process.)
• University of Alaska - Anchorage
• University of Alaska - Juneau
• University of Wisconsin - Marathon
• University of Wisocnsin - Oshkosh

(And to think my high school guidance counselor told me I'd never get into a 4 year college!)

ACADEMIC HONORS & AWARDS

• Are you kidding?  I need not overexert myself trying to steal awards and honors from the kiss-asses and overachievers who truly deserve them.  

ACHIEVEMENTS

• Seven years of college and I have finally narrowed down my "what I want to be when I grow up" list to three pages.  (Front & back, single spaced!)
• Moved 7 times in five years!  (That will actually be 8 on June 1st!)
• Passed Statistics and Chemistry
• Survived living with wild college party animals
• Figured out how to use the microwave in the reading room

PROFESSIONAL AFFILIATIONS

• BMI Member (Broadcast Music, Inc)   2008 - Present
• Facebook, YouTube, & Myspace (Myspace sucks, but it's kind of a must-have for musicians)
 

SPECIALIZED SKILLS

• Multi-tasking
• Can chew gum and listen to my iPod ad the same time
• Can simultaneously pack an apartment and a suitcase for traveling abroad
• Can sing the lyrics to "Amazing Grace" to the tune of "Gilligan's Island"
• Office Skills
• Can jam any printer - even one without paper
• Brilliant at faxing blank documents
• Can type anywhere between 5 and 45 wpm.  Depends on whether or not my train of thought is on track
• Can refill a stapler with minimal ER visits
• Skills that Make Mom & Dad Say, That's my girl!!
• Can touch my tongue to my nose
• Have two double-jointed thumbs
• Skilled at reading print upside down
• My Celine Dion, Cher, Crystal Gayle impersonations are entertaining
• Can dress in all black for two weeks straight without having to do laundry 

INTERESTS

• Education, obviously 
• Advocating Wikipedia as a scholarly resource
• Fainting Goats

COMMUNITY SERVICE

• The other day, I picked up a cup someone left on the street and threw it away so it could go sit in the landfill for a few gazillion years, instead of out where everyone could see it