Friday, April 29, 2011

The Seventh Year Senior's Curriculum Vitae (CV)

Apparently, if you get yourself educated, you need to show off your big brain in the form of an elaborate resume called a 'curriculum vitae'.  The real one I have to turn in for a grade is giving me gray hair, so I'm going to do this one instead. . .


Melissa McCarthy
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington D.C., DC 20500-004
(202) 456-1414

PROFESSIONAL PROFILE
  • Accomplished procrastinator proven to put off any ginormous project and complete it in seconds
  • Effective communicator 
    • Can tell someone to F#%K off in three languages
      • Four if you count the middle finger as another language
  • Fluent in sarcasm
  • Developed & implemented new ways to demonstrate the eye roll and evil eye
  • Seasoned in drinking excessive amount of coffee without peeing for an entire 8 hour shift
EDUCATION
  • (2000)  Graduated High School by the seat of my pants.  Literally.  I was still serving detentions the day before graduation for all the school skipping.
  • (2004)  Northcentral Technical College - Wausau, Wisconsin  My daddy was a trucker, so I was inspired to become fluent in sign language, too.  I wish I would have realized a lot sooner that it's not the same thing.
  • (2011)  Viterbo University - La Crosse, Wisconsin  BS in Biopsychology.  I can BS about Biopsychology all day. 

ATTEMPTED EDUCATION

I applied and was accepted to all of the following schools:
  • Musictech - St. Paul, MN
  • McNally Smith - St. Paul, MN  (Same school as above.  I applied twice over a period of a few years and they changed the name in the process.)
  • University of Alaska - Anchorage
  • University of Alaska - Juneau
  • University of Wisconsin - Marathon
  • University of Wisocnsin - Oshkosh
(And to think my high school guidance counselor told me I'd never get into a 4 year college!)

ACADEMIC HONORS & AWARDS
  • Are you kidding?  I need not overexert myself trying to steal awards and honors from the kiss-asses and overachievers who truly deserve them.  

ACHIEVEMENTS
  • Seven years of college and I have finally narrowed down my "what I want to be when I grow up" list to three pages.  (Front & back, single spaced!)
  • Moved 7 times in five years!  (That will actually be 8 on June 1st!)
  • Passed Statistics and Chemistry
  • Survived living with wild college party animals
  • Figured out how to use the microwave in the reading room

    PROFESSIONAL AFFILIATIONS
    • BMI Member (Broadcast Music, Inc)   2008 - Present
    • Facebook, YouTube, & Myspace (Myspace sucks, but it's kind of a must-have for musicians)
    •  
    SPECIALIZED SKILLS
    • Multi-tasking
      • Can chew gum and listen to my iPod ad the same time
      • Can simultaneously pack an apartment and a suitcase for traveling abroad
      • Can sing the lyrics to "Amazing Grace" to the tune of "Gilligan's Island"
    • Office Skills
      • Can jam any printer - even one without paper
      • Brilliant at faxing blank documents
      • Can type anywhere between 5 and 45 wpm.  Depends on whether or not my train of thought is on track
      • Can refill a stapler with minimal ER visits
    • Skills that Make Mom & Dad Say, That's my girl!!
      • Can touch my tongue to my nose
      • Have two double-jointed thumbs
      • Skilled at reading print upside down
      • My Celine Dion, Cher, Crystal Gayle impersonations are entertaining
      • Can dress in all black for two weeks straight without having to do laundry 

    INTERESTS
    • Education, obviously 
    • Advocating Wikipedia as a scholarly resource
    • Fainting Goats

    COMMUNITY SERVICE
    • The other day, I picked up a cup someone left on the street and threw it away so it could go sit in the landfill for a few gazillion years, instead of out where everyone could see it

    Thursday, April 7, 2011

    Confessions of a Close-to-Graduation Senioritis Sufferer

    Dear Blog,

    From what I hear diaries are for losers, so that's why I've named you 'Blog'.  I hope no one ever finds this on the world wide web because I'd hate for people to know my deepest, darkest, senioritis secrets.

    I didn't go to Ecology of Evolution lab today.  Nor did I go last week.  Put a fork this soon-to-be couch potato because she's DONE!  It's not that I have been sitting on my ass-ignments doing nothing.  There's a literature review that has decided not to write itself.  (Must I do EVERYTHING around here?)

    Do you know what a migraine is?  Of course you don't.  You're a blog.  So, let me tell you.  First, Google "Phineas Gage" and read about his mishap.  That is a migraine.  Twice in one week I have had to go home from school, close the curtains, take Ibuprofen, and sleep off a Phineas Gage-sized migraine.  The kind of migraine that you swear is a brain tumor.  I blame the endless pile of reading, a broken pair of glasses, and maybe some allergies thrown in the mix.  No amount of Ibuprofen can even come close to the relief I will feel on May 14th!

    On a positive note, I've been walking a lot outside.  Taking in the spring and thinking about how much I have to do while I'm busy walking around the neighborhood.  I am only one person and I can only do so much.  If the government would lay off the ethical issues regarding cloning, this would NOT be a problem.

    I did not forget to brush my teeth this morning.  I simply chose not to.  Toothpaste and coffee don't mix.  My apologies to anyone who comes into contact with me today.

    So, I came out to the truck yesterday morning to find that someone broke into it.  They stole a soda, I think.  Nothing else was missing, but they went through everything.  Piece of crap loser.  It's a damn good thing this senior was in a coma.  If I would have caught the scum sucker who had the nerve to mess with my stash of sugar in a can, I would showed them what it looks like to open a can of whoop ass!  I may only be 5'2", but I got some Irish in me.  (And they don't call me "Zelda" for nothing!!!) 

    On another positive note, I signed the lease for my new apartment.  I haven't seen it yet.  I'm picturing dark paneling on the walls and orange shag carpet.  Picture the worst and be surprised.  That's my motto. 

    Well, I must leave now to go tour an animal research facility.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.
     I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.

    -The Seventh Year Senior