Another Edition of The Dating Chronicles

Maybe I'm watching a little too much Dexter, but I stood a guy up this week.  My gut instinct was telling me that there was a strong possibility I would end up bound and gagged in a car trunk and my remains would turn on somewhere along the Mississippi River.   There are just certain things that you shouldn't put in a text message to someone you've never met.  Like, wear a dress, heels, and nylons.  And, I have something really special planned for you.  And, an invitation to hotel room to go along with this just made me feel a little uneasy.

A dress and heels?  Really?  I like jeans and a sneakers.  I can run faster that way.  He said he was in town on business and lives two hours from here.  Just have to wonder what kind of business when he has all of this extra time to text and play on online dating sites.  And, an invitation to a hotel on the first date?!  I'm guessing he doesn't do hotels like I do.  Fairly certain we wouldn't be in separate beds eating vending machine junk food and watching reality television.        

The night before we were supposed to go out, he was texting me asking me to meet him for a drink.  I was already in yoga pants and tucked nicely in bed.  "No" may be a difficult word for me, but when I'm comfortable and in yoga pants, NO rolls off my tongue like the F word rolls off Debra's tongue on Dexter.  (Another Dexter reference for you.)  I spent an hour texting him NO!  An hour that I could have spent watching Dexter, or writing in my journal about how much I LOVE being single.  This dude had already become a thorn in my side before we even went out, so I didn't feel so bad about shooting him a text saying I wouldn't be meeting him.  And, I'm not washed up on the shores of the Mississippi, so I think I made the right choice. 

One week from today I will be 32 and I don't feel any pressure to get married, so why am I putting myself through all this?  My biological clock doesn't care.  In fact, my uterus and I had a talk and she's in no hurry to have a miniature human move in.  In fact, she's the one encouraging the adoption option.  

Then it hits me... maybe this guy was completely normal?!  Maybe he's one of those hopeless romantics and here I am just talking to my uterus.    

  

Singlehood: The Latest Dating Disaster

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone posed the question, "Why are you still single?"  How does one even go about answering that?  If I say that's none of your business, I'm a crabby closet lesbian.  If I say something stupid like, Mr. Right hasn't come along, it means I'm a loser that doesn't get out and mingle and I'm being too picky.  When I answer, well, I have commitment issues, I am not a fan of being naked, and I like being single, it's a little too much information and the conversation turns completely awkward.

I have tried the online dating thing more than a few times with various sites.  In fact, a few months ago I decided to give it another go.  I always try to go into it with an open mind, but I don't care what the profile says or what the picture looks like, if the first e-mail/message is all lower case with no punctuation and poor spelling, I won't respond.  If how u doin is the best first line someone can come up with, I doubt I could sit through an entire first date.

So, my subscription was set to expire yesterday.  I had been e-mailing back and forth with someone and we talked about meeting for coffee, so we exchanged phone numbers.  Last night, I was snuggled up in a pile of blankets working on photo editing when I heard Sheldon from "Big Big Theory" say BAZINGA.  That's my text alert and it was a message from this guy.

It started all innocent.  How was your weekend?  What are you doing?  He is working on his master's in counseling and had mentioned that he was working on a paper.  Well, Sheldon's BAZINGA made me glance away from my computer to my phone and I was horrified to see two -- not one, but TWO -- pictures of this guy in his bathroom, full frontal nudity.  I've never deleted a thread of text messages so fast in my life.  In all of my college days, I don't recall EVER working on a paper in the nude.  Who does that?

There were a lot of thoughts racing through my mind.  Things like, do guys really think women like this sort of thing?  Which turned into, Oh my god!!  Am I supposed to like this sort of thing?  I wanted nothing more than to suck my thumb and join a convent.

Of course, I had to e-mail my oldest sister, Shannon, to let her know about her sister's failed attempt at a social life.  This was her response:

TO: SHANNON
FROM: KIKI
SUBJECT:  RE: Match.com Meets Craigslist

Just had my own little casual encounter. I've been on match for quite a while. Started talking to a guy...going to school for his master's in counseling. And...we have been emailing for a while and I have him my number . Got FULL frontal nude pics sent to my phone tonight.

Single for life. 

Sent from my iPhone

Lol! OMG! Don't give up...they're not all big huge perverts!  
By the way, I want to see those pics!

Shannon


If anyone needs me today, I'll be trying to trade in my iPhone because even though the thread is deleted, it is still contaminated.  I'll probably put on my bathing suit and take 15 hot showers.  Don't bother looking for my online dating profile.  It's GONE!  And, I will never be able to hear Sheldon say BAZINGA and not puke in my mouth.  Thanks, jerk.