Friday, September 2, 2011

Back in the Sabbatical Saddle

That's right, I'm on sabbatical.  Again.  We are now two days into September and all of the local schools have started the new academic year.  Every department store have 'back to school' specials, the supplies are flying off the shelves at all the stores, and even the leaves are starting to turn.  It's my favorite time of year, yet I feel so ... ... ... left out.  I want new notebooks, highlighters, folders, binders, pens, pencils, a locker combination, and an orientation, too.

The only way I am going to get through this school withdrawal is to start the graduate school search.  Along with that comes the test prep.  Considering the deadlines are usually January or February, I have my work cut out for me.

So here is my list of things I need to accomplish within the next year:
  1. Go to Ireland  (Every good sabbatical requires a trip somewhere.)
  2. Finish my memoir (Every good sabbatical also requires the completion of a book)
  3. Write some songs
  4. Record a studio album with some of those recently written songs
  5. Play gigs to sell that album with all of those recently written and recorded songs
  6. Find some intriguing graduate programs
  7. Apply to those intriguing graduate programs
  8. Prep for the MAT and/or GRE
  9. Take the MAT and/or GRE
  10. Make my family so incredibly sick of having me around that they won't mind if I find a graduate program out of the state. . . or . . . country?!
May the sabbatical begin... again!!! 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Back to School Shopping

Like it or not, August is right around the corner.  The stores already have their "Back to School" sections stocked with notebooks, pencils, pens, folders, binders, and everything else students need.  Before all of you college freshmen venture out to the stores to blow your parents' money, let me give you some words of wisdom.

First of all, go for it.  Buy the most expensive supplies you can find.  Buy your textbooks brand new from the college bookstore.  In fact, buy all of your school supplies from the college bookstore, too.  That way you can kick yourself when you finally figure out that used textbooks online can save you hundreds of dollars.

You can never have enough Easy Mac, Chef Boyardee, and Top Ramen.  You have that Freshman 15 to tackle, so get a head start on that.

Remember all that cash you received from your high school graduation party?  STASH IT!!  Put it in a safe and secure place that is locked and hidden.  That way, when you are issued your first underage ticket, you can pay the fine and not have to ask your parents for the money.

As tempting as all the Best Buy, Verizon, and U.S. Cellular ads are, you DO NOT need a brand new top-of-the-line cell phone, laptop, iPad, iPod, or any other gadget.  In fact, most professors frown upon having laptops in lecture because, let's face it, you're not diligently adding notes to the Power Points.  You're on Facebook.  Cell phones in class are about as cool as walking into the class with a fully loaded shotgun and coonskin cap.  Yes, the dumbasses before you tried texting exam answers and that put the ban on cell phones.  In addition, I have been on MANY college campuses and happen to know that there are computers there for you to use.  Printers, too.

Here's a list of things I considered must-haves for my backpack when in college:
  • Small stapler 
  • Highlighters - at least 3 different colors
  • 2-3 mechanical pencils 
  • 3 pens
  • Post-it notes
  • 2 Flash drives  (Why 2, you ask?  BACK UP EVERYTHING!  Well, the important stuff.  With technology these days, there's no excuse for having something "not working" or "not saved")
As a side note, buy 1 good backpack and take care of it.  I have had the same backpack through two years of high school, three years of an associate's degree, four years of work in education, and four years of my bachelor's degree.

Now, I have never lived in the dorms.  I have been in one and they are tiny.  Pack wisely. 

Other considerations for shopping:
  • One subject notebooks will not get you far in college  Go for the three-subject notebooks
  • Be prepared to print quite a bit.  Most professors use Power Point lectures.  If you plan to print these, have three-ring binders on hand and your own 3-hole punch.
  • Most, if not all, colleges/universities will have free planners, but they are not always very big.  I always wanted one with lots of space to keep myself organized!  Office Max have the best ones that I have found.
Whether you're living on or off campus, just remember that at some point, some of the crap you bring with you will probably end up on a curb with a "FREE" sign attached to it.    

Monday, July 4, 2011

Top Ten Ways to Celebrate Independence Day!!

10.  Throw a Fit in a Campground!!  Nothing says "Independence" like being handcuffed and spanked with a boatload of charges for misbehaving.


9.  What better way to spend the 4th of July than on the water?  Just make sure you plan ahead.  If you can't plan ahead, get your lazy ass out of your vehicle and walk up to the ATM to avoid any potential disasters.  





8.  FOUR WORDS:  Hot Dog Eating Contest!!!  The 4th of July just would not be The 4th of July without a massive heart attack!






7.  Weather permitting, a leisurely bike stroll is always a 4th of July favorite!


Don't forget to take your friends, too!






































6.  Explosives!!!  Lots of illegal explosives to show the world you are free to do whatever you want!

5.  GO SWIMMING!!!!!!!


4.  Show your patriotic side by setting up this one of a kind Americana rig at your favorite camping location.  Unfortunately, for those in Minnesota, you'll have to park it somewhere the government has not shut down. 





3.  Don't do a damn thing and write about it on your Facebook status!!! 


2.  EAT WATERMELON UNTIL YOU TURN INTO ONE!!!!

And the Number One Way to Celebrate Independence Day:

1.  Wear Sunscreen!


Friday, July 1, 2011

Sunny Side Up


Wednesday morning, I went downstairs to my truck, put my camera bag and laptop bag in the backseat, shut the door, and got in.  I drove all the way to work and it wasn't until I stepped out into the parking lot and went to open the back door of the truck that I noticed this:






How I managed to drive four miles without noticing the egg splattered on my mirror is beyond me.  It's probably just that I am not used to being up and about before 9:00 AM. 

So, there's a half of a gallon of milk in my fridge that expired on June 12th.  I also have some stale Cheez-Its and the world's moldiest bowl of Mac & Cheese in the garbage that hasn't gone out yet.  If I wasn't so fond of sleeping, I would spend the night waiting for the drive-by chefs to come back and make them a concoction all my own.

As long as we're talking about eggs, I figured you might enjoy reading these:

12 Extraordinary Facts about Eggs

Enjoy!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Determining my "worth"

Out of curiosity, I did a Google search to see how much celebrity impersonators make in Las Vegas.  Are you ready for this?  Anywhere from between $150 - $1000 an hour.  Some have been known to make over $3000 for an event.  Now that my lip is movable and I can do my "Celine Dion" again... I think I best be getting on the next plane out of here.  Any suggestions on how to grow 6 inches taller?


So I started thinking about this.  I'm pretty much broke, but I'm way too talented, skilled, and crafty to be broke.  I'm not a huge spender.  Well, my problem is actually that lately I'm not a huge earner, either!  Welcome to the wonderful world of freelance/self-employment, I guess.

So tonight, here I am analyzing how much I am worth:
  • Street musician in a decent sized city:  $55,000/year (avg.)
  • Sign language interpreter: $22,000/year (avg.)
  • Emerging photographer: $30,000/year (avg.)
  • Celine Dion Impersonator: $4,400 (avg.)  (This would just be a few gigs a year... fun money!)
  • Blogger: $17/hour (avg.) = $25,000/year (avg. part-time)
  • Professional Yodeler: No information on salary found.  Deemed PRICELESS
  • Biopsychology majors: $43,000/year (avg.)
  • Gigging musician: $24,000/year (avg.)
**SO FAR - I am worth: $243,000

Now, remember.  We are in "the real world" now.  It's not all pats on the back, stickers for tying your shoes, and jelly beans for not pissing on the toilet seat.  Time to go back down that corporate ladder and reanalyze the situation.
  • Can't mow a lawn:  -5,000/year
  • Can't drive a stick shift: -1,500/year
  • Can't cook for crap: -25,000/year
  • Not fluent in Spanish: -30,000/year
  • Solo musician w/out a band: -12,000/year
  • Photography equipment: -10,000/year
  • Rude people who don't call to cancel and just let you show up and wait: -2500/year
  • Attire for "professional" stuff: -500/year
  • Attire for the music, impersonations, etc: -3,000/year
  • Insurance to cover all this stuff you have to have: -2,400/year
  • Biopsychology: lack of a master's or doctorate: -35,000/year
**My worth is down to $103,100 . . . but WAIT!  We're not done, yet...
  • I write crappy cover letters: -18,000/year
  • Gas to travel all over creation: -3,500/year
  • Lapsed interpreting license: - 22,000/year
  • Moving expenses: -5,000/year
  • Excessive amounts of Pro Bono work: -5,500
**This brings me back down to $49,000 ... but WAIT!!!  We have one more:

  • STUDENT LOANS... $49,000
**TOTAL WORTH:  $0.00

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Sample Cover Letter - Oprah

Still haven't heard from Steve Jobs, so I'm moving on to greater endeavors and new tactics.  In a dog-eat-dog job market, it's time to get creative with your cover letters.  Here is what I have come up with:

Dear Oprah,

Per your request, I have evaluated your Oprah Winfrey Network, O Magazine, and the Oprah.com website.  You are right, you will benefit greatly from my expertise and it would be a pleasure to have you as part of my team.  Unfortunately, at this time I am not hiring; however, your resume will be kept on file for six months.  I tell everyone that so they don't bother me for six months. 

Sincerely,

Melissa K. McCarthy


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Dear Oprah,

In regards to the last letter that was sent out, it was a mistake.  We told the intern to send out the rejection letter to another Oprah Winfrey; however, congratulations and welcome aboard!  I bet it's been a while since you have received a rejection letter.  I do hope it put your ego in check.

Revamping this network you have is going to a challenge, but together, I think we will be able to make it a smashing success.  Here are some of the proposals all of us at McCarthy Enterprises have come up with:
  • Merging our names together: Oprah Winfrey Network & McCarthy Enterprises = OWN ME  Absolutely brilliant! 
  • The royal wedding was not really an invitation for Sarah/Fergie to emerge from wherever she's been.  The show is not a total loss.  Since it is called Finding Sarah, we have come up with an idea of hiding Sarah in various places in Kentucky and sending teams out with clues to find her.  Kind of Amazing Race meets The Bachelorette because all the contestants are going to be men with roses.  Also, Sarah isn't going to know any of this.
  • Time to ditch the reruns of the old show.  It's done.  It's gone.  It's time to move on.  
  • We are going to really soar with this "Living Your Best Life" idea.  Not, living Oprah's best life.  But, the people watching OWN ME.  I think the best way to help people live their best lives is to give them some of your money.  Maybe even some keys to your house.  (Honestly, you do NOT need a house that big!)   

On a side note, I appreciate the complimentary issue of O magazine; however, I do not wish to subscribe.  You can quit sending me the bill for the subscription.

Looking forward to working with you,

Melissa McCarthy



Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sample Cover Letter

As part of the post-graduation routine, I have spent countless hours Google searching sample cover letters as a guide for writing my own.  First off, cover letters are dumb.  I am not fond of them at all.  I'd rather just send an e-mail saying, "Look at this crap I call experience, give me a call, and hire me."

Instead of looking at all the crap people put on the Internet for you to find, I'm finally going to put a sample cover letter out there that will actually yield results.


June 22, 2011

Steve Jobs
Apple
1 Infinite Loop
Cupertino, CA 95014

Dear Steve,

I need a job, and considering your last name, I would guess you have some.  I am highly qualified for pretty much any position that involves sitting on my ass and playing on a Mac all day.  As a side-note, I would like to add that I would take the world's crappiest Mac over the world's greatest Dell.  I had a Dell once.  In the time it would take to start up, I could make a pot of coffee, take a shower, dry my hair, drink the entire pot of coffee, make a gourmet breakfast, go to work, and come home eight hours later to find it just getting through with the virus scan.  By the way, your commercials are funny as hell.  Maybe I could star in one?  Or, write one?  Or, both?  Did I mention I have a minor in Writing?

I think that I would be a great asset to your company.  I have brilliant ideas on how you can spend that ungodly amount of money you make and help boost the economy at the same time.  First, that is really nice that you give students and educators a discount, but $100 off?  Really?  Have you gone to college lately?  You can't even buy a free couch off a curb for $100 these days.  I think a buy one, get one free program would be a huge hit.

Maybe you could see me more as a product tester.  I could evaluate all of your new products, software, and whatever else all your brainiacs come up with.  The fact that I am not an expert makes me a top pick for this position because I can evaluate on a user-friendly level.  After all, let's face it, you really need to start marketing to the elderly.  If they saw what these incredible computers and gadgets can do, I bet they'd stick around longer.  Part of my fear of dying is what I'm going to miss coming from Apple, but that's why I have a degree in Biopsychology.  I can now rationally deal with that crap while focusing on making amazing iMovie creations of grass growing, dogs mating, and my neighbor running around the house nude.  (He's a PC, so I have no problem broadcasting what he does in his spare time!)

I am sure that after reading this, Steve Jobs, you will come up with a fitting job for me.  I am more than willing to relocate to California, but I will not change my last name to Jobs.  No offense, but that' s a lame last name.  I would; however, change my name to Melissa Works.  That way, when people talk about me and they ask where I work, they can just say: "Melissa Works for Apple."  Saves words and sentences, doesn't it?

Sincerely,

Melissa K. McCarthy

PS - My dad is Mike McCarthy, but I cannot get you free Packer tickets.  Well, if you can get me a free Mac, I might be able to pull some strings.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

From Senioritis to Senior Moments

I woke up bright and early at 6:00 AM.  I blame the birds outside my window.  Some people call it chirping, some call it singing, and I call it death metal in the morning.  Threw a pillow on top of my head, curled up, and went back to sleep.  Until 11:15 AM!  Now, I wasn't really intending to sleep that long.  It just sort of happened.

The plan was to drive home to Wausau in time for a Father's Day cookout at 5:30, so I had three hours to get my truck packed and be on my way.  After getting dressed, I quick ran down to clean out the truck.  Without keys.  You can imagine my surprise when I went to turn the doorknob and realized I had locked myself out of my apartment.  Of course, my cell phone was inside, too.

I thought about busting out some of my Jack Bauer moves to knock the door down, but figured that would tick off the landlord.  After turning the knob as hard as I could, hanging from it like a kid on the monkey bars, and saying a few choice phrases, I went around back to the garage.  Of course, there were no tools to be found.  Just an old washer and dryer, a ladder, some lawn mowers, and nothing of any use to me.  I pulled a nail off of the wall and figured I'd try to pick my way in.

Ten minutes with the nail and I called it quits.  Fortunately, my neighbor was outside raking his lawn, so I borrowed his phone and called the next best thing to 9-1-1: American Lock & Key.  Over an hour later, the guy arrived with his toolbox and opened the door.  And that, my friends, is how you spend $48 on stupidity.


After my door was opened, I proceeded about my day and tried to pack up for my trip to Wausau.  The next thing I know, it's 6:30 and I'm just waking up from a nap I didn't intend to take.  I probably would have continued sleeping soundly, but heartburn decided to be my alarm clock.  Then I realized - today was the first day in 5 days that I haven't had Mac & Cheese.  Must be the withdrawals.


Instead of making anything, I drove down to Festival and found Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey.  It practically fell out of the freezer and into my hands, so that's what I had for dinner.


We're going to try and re-do this day tomorrow because today was an epic FAIL!




Saturday, June 18, 2011

ER: Stitch Removal

This morning I looked in the mirror and thought, I really don't need these stitches in my face anymore.  So, I went into the ER to have them removed.

This is my serious look.  It looks less ridiculous that my bottom-lip smile look.
I figured that a Saturday morning in the ER would be quiet and I'd be in and out in no time.  Outside the ER was a woman sitting on a bench.  She took one look at my lip, dropped her mouth, and followed me with her eyes as I walked passed her and through the doors.  She was dressed in gray sweatpants, crocs, and a t-shirt that didn't quite cover her belly.  I am not sure what the politically correct term is these days, but she was quite obese. 

I went to check-in.  The patient liaison took my paperwork and after a few seconds of typing, she looked up at me and said, "Oh!  Wow!!!  You do have a facial laceration!!!!  I didn't even notice."  The same could not be said for Ms. Sweatpants outside the door.

After receiving my pager, I took a seat between a middle-aged guy in a Harley jacket and an elderly couple.  That's when it caught my attention:  Ms. Sweatpants had her back side pressed right up against the glass by the receptionist's counter.  Her pants were riding low and her shirt was flying high.  The liaisons were talking about ordering lunch, so I assumed they hadn't noticed.  Either that, or these things just don't bother them anymore.

Another lady walked in.  Her birthday was 2-28-41.  Calm down - I'm not psychic.  They ask everyone their birthday when they come in.

Liaison: What brings you here today?
2-28-41: I think I have an infection in my stomach.  It's all bloated.

I have seven years of college completed, so that practically makes me a doctor.  I mentally diagnose her with bad gas from the senior menu at Perkins and discharge her.  She takes a seat next to me and the next ones arrive: An elderly woman in a wheelchair and an elderly man pushing her.  Instead of paying attention to this one, I'm trying to teach myself Hmong by reading the translated "It's the Law" sign.  The liaison asks for the woman's address. . .  no answer.  LONG pause. . . and no answer.  I wonder if she moves as much as me, or if it's just old age.

Meanwhile, behind the waiting area were curtained cubicles.  A nurse was talking with a patient in the one right behind our chairs and we could hear just about everything.

Patient: I don't know... I've been all, like bloated, and I'm cramping!  And I'm changing my pad every hour!
Nurse: <whispers something>
Patient: WELL, I just feel like I'm gonna die.

(I mentally diagnose her with what is called a menstrual period and send her out the door with some big girl panties.)

A pager buzzes and Ms. Sweatpants walks through the waiting room, staring right at my lip the entire time.  I wanted to bark at her like a bull dog, but I remained calm.  After all, it's not everyday you see someone with six stitches holding their lip together.  I'd stare too.  Actually, no I wouldn't.

The patient directly behind us continued whining about Aunt Flo.  And then, Sweatpants captured our attention from the next curtain down:
Nurse: Not feeling so well today?
Sweatpants: I got the diarrhea real bad!!!
Nurse: Are you running a fever?
Sweatpants: Yeah!  A-hundred-and-two point four.

My pager went off at that point, so I took a walk toward the back with an RN.  Last time I had stitches out, I was in 1st grade and they were under my chin.  I remember walking out of the doctor's office with stickers and a sucker and Dad saying, "Now, it wasn't that bad was it?"  And, I agreed.  It wasn't bad at all.  So, I had no apprehension about this time around at all.

Until I sat down and the nurse picked up a sterile pack of tools and opened them up right there at the desk.  What was this about?  No room?  She sat right in front of me, gloved up, and started going to town.  It didn't necessarily hurt, but the first one wasn't what I remembered, nor expected.  (Not that my memory of 1st grade is entirely clear!)  I could feel her pull the stitch out slowly and my skin sliding along with it.  It was gross.  The second and third came out without a problem. As the stitches were closer to the lip, the more intense it became.  Four was a little longer and I could feel all of the heat in my body rush to my face.  I've passed out donating blood on a few occasions.  And, I passed out cold in the middle of a waiting room after having blood drawn.  I was starting to feel a little like that when she started tugging on number five.

"This one may not be ready to come out.  Let me go get Lisa and have her take a look."  The nurse went to find the other RN and it gave me enough time to recompose myself.  One stitch was left, besides the dissolvable one that needed to stay put.  I was ready!!!

Lisa came back, took a quick look, and gave the RN the go ahead.  And, out it came!  The longest bugger of them all.  After a simple request, she was putting all of the stitches into a specimen cup for me to take home!!!!

RN: They talked to you about scarring, right?
Me: Yes...
RN: Well, you will definitely have some scarring!  You can call a plastic surgeon's office and ...
(The rest of what she said didn't register... no way in hell am I going to get plastic surgery.  Do you need to know why?  I'll show you!!)









Friday, June 17, 2011

Entertaining My Insomnia

I think I took a few too many naps today.  Ah, the life of a recent graduate.  Maybe it's the new apartment?!  There's a constant thumping below my bedroom, which I think may be a ceiling fan, as well as a train that runs a few blocks away that makes the entire house vibrate.  Whatever the case may be, I'm wide awake at 12:51 AM.

First things first, I am addicted to One Life to Live, again.  I've been a soap opera junkie on and off for many, many years.  In fact, I wanted to be a soap opera writer when I grew up.  Actually, I still wouldn't mind doing that.  You know your addiction may have gone a little too far when you're wide awake at 11:30 PM figuring out the storyline that took a twist you didn't expect.  So, I checked out abc.go.com and sure enough - today's episode was posted!  So, I watched it.  Let me also say that I am heartbroken this show has been canceled and is going off the air in January.

A little alcohol sometimes gets people in trouble when they try to send text messages, or call an ex.  In my case, a little case of insomnia leads to writing letters to ABC executives begging them to reconsider! 

It's essential to take a break here and there, so in the midst of crying over Gigi's death (on OLTL that I totally did not see coming), I like to watch this dog over and over and over and over:




When I can no longer laugh at the poor dog, I like to browse other interesting videos people put up on YouTube.  Like, Debbie's video bio for eHarmony. . .




WOW!!  That's all I can say on that one.  Moving on . . .

I've attempted taking off my free bracelets that I got in the ER.  It would be a lot easier if I could find a damn pair of scissors.  Man, I remember back in the day when I'd go to water parks or some place that gave you a wristband, I would have contests with myself to see how long I could keep them on.  A wristband that said Noah's Ark - America's Largest Waterpark is so much cooler than the one I have broadcasting to the world that I am allergic to amoxicillin!  And don't even get me started on the stupid paper one.  It's paper!!  Paper is supposed to rip. 

Note to self: sharpen the damn knives in the kitchen!  Cripes, girl!  How do you cut anything with those?

Watch this again:



What bracelet?  I want that dog!!!

Here's another one of my YouTube favorites!!!  I'm sure everyone and their brother has seen this video:


I was actually thinking about this kid when they were sewing me up in the ER.  I would just like to know why I didn't get what he got!!  AND, I bet they gave him stickers and suckers.  Growing up sucks, huh?


Okay... okay ... just one more time and I PROMISE I am going to go to sleep:








Thursday, June 16, 2011

Unmedicated Blogging


I remember taking Biology in high school and having to dissect a frog.  We pulled our "dead" frog out of a pile and pinned it to the dissection tray.  As soon as we started to make the incision, the frog leaped off the tray and sent my partner and me screaming.  The teacher picked up the frog by the legs and whacked his head on the counter.  We were excused from the dissection and had to write a paper instead.  That isn't really what happened here, but it would be funny if it had.  

Anyway, here's me:


Sixteen Hours Post-Injury





Today 5:03 AM


And when asked how this happened, here are some possibilities I could tell people:

  1. I was yodeling so loud that I shattered glass and a piece came and sliced me wide open!
  2. Bar fight.  I won and took off on a stolen motorcycle.
  3. Had a motorcycle accident.
  4.  I picked up a piece of barbed wire and thought it was licorice!   Note to self: Get Glasses Fixed!
  5. I was trying to walk, text, and chew gum at the same time.
  6. I stabbed myself to take the attention off of my acne.
  7. I wanted to look like Goldie Hawn, so I got lip injections off of the black market.  Never again.
  8. I opened up the tailgate of the truck when the naked Asian guy from "The Hangover" jumped out and pounded me with a crowbar!
  9. It was an unfortunate mishap at the petting zoo.  Why was there a pit bull in the petting zoo, anyway?
  10. I had a run-in with security at a Justin Bieber concert.  

I think I will just stick with the truth, though.  I was bobbing for apples and someone dressed a piranha up like Granny Smith.

Anyway, I think having senioritis prepared me quite well for something like this.  I'm used laying around doing nothing and I'm actually pretty good at it.  I'm also really good at napping, even though it never used to be something I enjoyed.  Now, all I have to do is pretend I'm in a lecture, and I'm out like a bear in winter!

Now, about my future as a model. . . well, we'll talk about that later.  Right now, I need to figure out how to blow my nose without busting my lip open.  I think I should make a video and if it's a success, I'll put it on YouTube.  Okay, maybe not.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Ridonkulous & Other Words to Avoid in a Job Interview

As I prepare my resume and tackle the tedious task of writing cover letters, I think it's time to take a break and share with you my expertise in nailing the job application process.

Here are a few words you should avoid and why:
  • Dumbass: Although this is one of my favorite words to use when referring to some of the undesirables I have run into, you should not use it in an interview, or on an application/resume.
    • Context Example:  I left that job because my boss was a dumbass.  
  • Ginormous: It may be cute on the elementary and middle school playground, but there is a time and place for it.  I suppose, if you're applying for a job at Walmart, go for it.  Otherwise, get a Thesaurus and find a replacement for it.
    • Context Example:  Yeah, I'm on disability because my last job, I had to put these ginormous blow up dolls on the highest shelves in the store and one attacked me.
  • Bacne: If your "back acne" comes up in conversation, you are entirely beyond help and I will have to just accept the fact that I am forever going to be paying taxes to support your ridonkulous dumbass.  Enough said.
    • Context Example: Sorry I'm late.  I had a hell of a time trying to pop some of my bacne.
  • Like:  There's a time and place for this word.  It is not a space-filler for when you're stuck or thinking.  Silence is better than like.  If you are an "um" and "like" user, be warned that some people will start mentally counting how many times you use your two words.  What this means is a) they don't give a rat's ass about what you're saying anymore because they are too distracted by the "um" and "like" overdose and b) you probably aren't going to be called for a second interview. 
    • Context Example: It was like, kind of a lame job, 'cuz like, I'm not really like a people person.
  • Got: It's just a dumb word.  You will sound dumb when you use it.
    • Context Example: I got a good discount on stuff, so I put up with the dumbass boss.
  •  Fantabulous: Again, a great word if Justin Bieber is every single one of your ringtones.  
    • Context Example: I was the most fantabulous employee that gentleman's club has ever seen!
  • Ridonkulous: I must admit, I love this word.  It's just not a good time to showcase your extensive playground vocabulary when you're trying to land a job.  
    • Context Example: My schedule was RIDONKULOUS!!!  They kept expecting me to work, like, everyday. 
I'm sure there are more words I could add to this list, but it's way past my bedtime.  Feel free to add your suggestions in the comment thread!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Moving

Melissa's moving?  What?  Really?

Yes.  I move about as often as Lindsay Lohan appears in court.  I moved to La Crosse in 2006.  Since then, I have moved from 6th street to Cass Street, to Cameron Avenue, to Main Street, to Wausau, back to La Crosse to 19th Street, and now back to Cass Street.  Making my rounds on the south side.  I should be an expert on moving, huh?

Here are some tips from a moving expert:

  •  Screw moving boxes.  What you do is get a few big rubbermaid totes.  Fill them up, take them to the new place, dump them all over the floor, and then go back for more crap.  You can organize later.
  •  Don't hire a moving crew.  Moving crews are for sissies!  Besides, when you have people working with you, you can't plop your hinder (yes, I call the rear-end a hinder) down whenever you want and chug a soda, take a nap, or stare off into space and think to yourself, "Why the Hell am I doing this by myself?"  
  •  Having problems moving that mattress and box spring up the narrowest and steepest flight of stairs you have ever seen in your life?  SUCK IT UP!!!  The faster you get it to the top, the faster you can crash on it.
  •  As tempting as it may be to go out and get a case of beer, or meet a friend for a pina colada, only do so when you are COMPLETELY done hauling the big stuff, the fragile stuff, and basically everything.  
  •  Embrace distractions.  Moving is hard work and if staring at the ceiling fan and following it spin makes you happy, for crying out loud, stare at it!  Drool if you have to.  
  •  Eat - you'll need the energy.  Just don't eat to the point where you have to unbotton the top button on your pants.  If it gets to that point, moving is going to be uncomfortable.  Elastic waistbands help.
  •  Drink lots of water.  Not to stay hydrated, but to make it necessary to take more potty breaks.
  •  Don't be afraid to donate stuff to Goodwill, The Salvation Army, or the curb.  
  • If you happen to be dating someone at the time you're moving - if he's sleeping on the couch while you tiptoe around with heavy totes so you don't wake him up... re-evaluate the situation.
  •  Last, but not least, always look at the apartment you're renting before you sign on for a year!  

Friday, May 27, 2011

Lawn Mowing

Okay, so I have accomplished a lot in my 29 years.  Once I got a hang of that potty-training stuff, I was pretty much unstoppable.  There are quite a few things I still have not done in my life, though.  I haven't attended a Broadway play, been to the top of the Eiffel Tower, or rolled in a barrel down Niagra Falls.  One thing that I have managed to avoid for 29 years, however, is mowing a lawn.

Well, I did make one attempt many, many years ago.  Mom, Dad, my sister Shannon, and I frequently helped my great-grandma out with housekeeping and yard work.  One particular day I remember asking Dad if I could try mowing the lawn.  I was about 9 or 10, and thought that it looked pretty easy to cut grass.  Dad gave me the manual mower - the kind without a motor.

Three swipes through the front yard and Dad stopped me.  He said I wasn't doing it right.  When I looked back, it was obvious I was not one of those children that had a thing for straight lines.  There were big patches of grass that were much longer than others.  Defensively, I declared I would NEVER mow another lawn again.  And I didn't.

Until yesterday, that is.

I think that if you saw the backyard, you wouldn't necessarily say it was mowed, though.  You see, I'm house sitting.  And dog sitting.  I thought for sure the yard would mow itself.  Or, the dogs would eat the grass to keep it nice and trim.  Apparently, dogs are not goats and I did not receive the memo.  In the garage was another one of those manual mowers, so went out and got to work.  Kind of.

Have you ever tried to mow a lawn that got a little overgrown?  How about with a manual mower?  Thank my lucky stars the yard is fenced in and no one could see me because I'd have 5,000,000 hits on YouTube by now.

After about a half hour of going over the same spots and pulling grass out of the wheels I gave up.  Then, this morning, I let the dogs out.  When I went to bring them back in, there were two piles of fresh vomit.  The dogs made like goats and tried to eat the grass, but threw it up.

So, I went on Craigslist and found about 15 people looking to mow lawns!!  If there are people out there who are so passionate about cutting grass, who am I to deny them of this?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Dogs Take a Field Trip

So, the dogs and I went to Wausau last weekend!!  I think it's safe to say that they love car rides.  I also think that if they didn't like country music before the road trip, they are true country bumpkins now!


I was warned that Anna will run if she is let loose.  So, I went up to my dad's on Sunday.  He lives right next door to the bar he and my uncle own and his yard is fenced in.  The dogs were in the backyard and I went into the bar to have lunch with Dad.  Apparently, Anna and Duncan thought that bar food sounded better than whatever they get in their dish.  (I can't say I disagree.)  It was kind of a surprise when the two dogs came into the bar, so I rounded them up and took them back to the backyard and figured out how they escaped.

Dad and I blocked the deck and went back to the bar.  About a half hour later, Dad glanced out the window and said, "Hey!!!  A dog is out!"

And that is when I realized that I am out of shape.

Anna managed to open the gate and took off into no man's land behind Dad's property with me running in a pair of flats right behind her.  It was something out of a sitcom.  I'd get up close to her and she'd run right by me in the opposite direction.  So, I knelt down like I wanted to play and thought she'd come play with me.  (That's how I get her in the house when she won't come in!)  Well, she came right to me, knocked me over, and kept going.

She must have known she won because she stopped at a pine tree and waited for me and we walked back to the yard.

Amazingly, I managed to finish lunch.  I think I slept like a rock that night.


We're back in La Crosse and have returned to our regularly scheduled program.  Kind of...

You see, I realized when we got back last night that the lawn needs to be mowed.  I was kind of hoping it would mow itself, but... just like the literature review not writing itself, no such luck.  I have a confession to make about lawn mowing.  But, I'll save that for another blog entry.  

The Future of America


The future of America has ARRIVED!!!!! 

Sarah Palin recently announced that she has 'fire in her belly'.  That cannot be a good thing and I highly recommend she take an extended leave of absence from politics to clear that up.  I think her neighbors in Russia would take good care of her. 

In the meantime, America is about to lose Oprah, tornadoes have swept across the country, the new bachelorette gets her heartbroken early in the game, soap operas are going off the air, Lance Armstrong is accused of being one of those medically-enhanced athletes, gas prices are still keeping America driving instead of biking because we can't risk declining trends in obesity, and the only glimmer of hope we can cling to is that THE PACKERS ARE STILL THE SUPERBOWL CHAMPS!!!!

But don't worry.  With everything going on, SELF magazine still has all of the answers for making sure you have that you are bikini-ready by summer, while PEOPLE has all you don't need to know on the recent royal wedding. 

Have no fear, America!!  Melissa is the future of the country.  I would like to announce that I will be running for president in 2020.  I was planning on running for 2012; however, I am not eligible until I am 35.  Since I have some time, I think the future of America is going to watch some more episodes of Scrubs and think of someone I would want to play me on Saturday Night Live.

   

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Dog Sitting: Death of a Bunny

Time of Death: 7:42 PM

The living room is a crime scene right now.  This poor defenseless bunny has been murdered.  One suspect is in custody.  Another one is at large... in the backyard barking at daffodils.  It appears that this might have been a hate crime, but neither one of the suspects are talking.  As you can see, an autopsy has been performed.    

"I didn't do it!  I think it was a cotton overdose!"

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

So, is this the real world?

Yesterday, I woke up at the butt crack of dawn just because that's what I've been programmed to do.  By 10:30 AM, I was engaged in my first nap of the day.  I plowed through the first eight episodes of the first season of Scrubs, edited photos, and ate leftover pizza and graduation cake.  I stayed in my pajamas until Kat called me at 4:30 to see if I wanted to go to Barnes & Noble.

It took me about 45 minutes to decided whether it was Tuesday or Wednesday today.  And then I realized that it doesn't matter.  Nothing is due.  So, if this is the real world, I am LOVING it! Had I realized the real world was this much fun, I would have dropped out of college a long time ago!!  Okay, maybe not.

As part of my sit-on-my-ass fest yesterday, I looked at job openings.  It's kind of refreshing to see opportunities available.  Now, now, now, let's not get ahead of ourselves.  I'm not too sure I want to dive right into a full-time 9 to 5er.  I'm feeling like a puppy that just left obedience school and has forgotten everything it learned.  That's right, I'm going to pee on the carpet... chew on every pair of shoes I come across... beg for treats... and when I run outside, I'm not going to come back until I'm good and ready to come back!

Now that I have that image in your head, I see it's not even 8:00AM.  Time to reprogram my body to sleep until noon! :-)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Graduation



[I went to college.  The cake decorator on the other hand...]

I don't get it.  You go to school and bust your ass to get educated and to reward you, they dress you up in a cardboard hat and a curtain.

So, I'm standing in line before the ceremony.  My family is in a state of shock that this day has finally arrived.  I should be on top of the world.  Instead, I'm conveniently positioned next to a particular student who feels it is necessary to point me out.  Hello, high school?  What is this?  Instead of walking over and breaking the fingers that were pointing at me, I took a few deep breaths and put myself in their shoes for a moment.  (A brief moment.)  It must suck to have your head so far up a professor's ass and then suddenly lose that bond.  I'm sorry about your thesis, but you're standing here in your cap and gown pointing me out to all the "friends" who probably won't even remember your name next year at this time, so I'm assuming everything worked out just fine for you.  As for me, I did the school a favor.  Next time, a simple "thank you" will work just fine.

After my name was called, I felt it was an appropriate time to leave.  I just wanted to hear the student address, which was wonderful.  I walked out wishing I would not have bothered with the ceremony.

So, then the party began!!!!












"I just can't finish my third piece of cake!!!!"
























Speaking of cake, I have quite a bit left over.  I don't know how many more mornings I can have cake for breakfast, so I think today I'm going to go for peanut butter toast or leftover pizza. 






Grandpa!!! :-)



It's amazing to think that last year around this time we didn't even know if Grandpa would be here for this!  What a blessing to have him here!  :-) 










 Nolan Practicing for His Graduation

 Mark, Shannon, Nolan, Madeline, Gunner, & Grandpa Mike camped for the weekend!  Nolan's response to pulling into the campground: "I think I'm going to fall in love this weekend."  And that my friends is how Nolan has become known as the Campground Casanova!














Gunner likes to party!

A sisterly moment caught on camera!
This little fella had a great time!  My favorite was when he was sitting in his high chair eating breakfast and pointing his finger at Nolan & Madeline and "yelling" in a babble! 



And now it's Tuesday.  I'm done with school.  The moving process has to begin, but it's 9:20AM and I'm still in bed blogging, looking at what's out there for jobs, and even looking into graduate programs.  Anything to avoid going over to the apartment and packing it up.  Have I mentioned I hate moving?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Dog Sitting: Day 2 AND FINALS WEEK! UGH!

This is Anna.  Classic head tilt for the camera

I don't know about other college students, but I'm kind of fond of sleeping in on the weekends.  Apparently, Anna & Duncan didn't get the memo.  5:13 AM Duncan is having a howling festival in his kennel and Anna is on top of me trying to make my hand pet her.  It's kind of like I got married and had a kid over night. 

I sat the dogs down this morning and we had a talk about how important sleep is.  I'm pretty sure the talk didn't work, so every time I caught them trying to snooze today, I would yell, "SQUIRREL!!!"  I've heard that demonstrations tend to work better than lectures.  We'll see about that.

Remember how I taught Duncan how to sing?  Not such a good idea because he practiced ALL day.  I need to try and teach him the difference between whining, crying, barking, and singing.  Good thing we have three weeks.  I've also taught Anna to wag her tail.  It's the coolest thing - I just look at her and it starts wagging.   

Poor Duncan has been crabby today.  I think he's holding a grudge.  To think I had the nerve to leave today for less than an hour.  When I came back, they were both at the door ready to tear it down.
Duncan. Is. Crabby!!

If I ever become a therapist, I'm going to discourage people with paranoia from having dogs.  These dogs have followed me around steady since yesterday.  Anywhere I go, they go.  Imagine someone who is paranoid.  It would be a disaster.  

Duncan just crawled in his kennel.  Voluntarily.  He's been doing that off-and-on all day.  He sits in his cage with the door wide open and whines.  If I physically pull him out, he's fine.  It's the craziest thing.

I remember dog sitting one other time for these enormous golden retrievers.  I called them miniature horses.  Completely irrelevant, but I just thought I'd share.








On a completely different note... about a year ago at this time, I started the process of moving.  For some reason, I make the biggest mess right around finals time.  Of course, I have to move again, so not only does the mess have to get cleaned - the mess also has to get packed and move four blocks!

Here's my (lack of) progress:
"Clean up your life!"  - Karen
Look on the bright side - I won't have to deal with finals for a while after this week.  I could even start looking for j-o-b if I wanted to and get on a regular routine.  I could get one of those things... what are they called... a... um... starts with a "P" ... Paycheck!  That's right - a paycheck!

First thing I would do with a paycheck is hire a maid and professional movers.  Then again, I am kind of becoming a professional mover, aren't I?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Adventures in Dog-sitting: Day 1

This is Duncan!  No photo of Anna, yet!  Check back tomorrow!
The Seventh Year Senior is going to the dogs!  I have Anna and Duncan for the next couple of weeks and I am pretty sure we're going to have a splendid time. 

I've spent today teaching Duncan how to sing.  Anna wanted nothing to do with it, but Duncan seemed to enjoy his first day of "voice lessons".

I rented a rated R movie tonight, but decided I'd wait until the dogs were asleep before watching it.  Then I realized that I'm not watching a creepy thriller before bed.  Especially after the dream I've been having about a professor dressed up in drag hanging out at a Chuck E. Cheese-like place.  (If that's not a nightmare, I don't know what is...)  So, I decided that I should probably just stick to some "homework" (also known as "Facebook").

On the agenda for tomorrow: More singing and we're going to work on our table manners.  I might squeeze in a little research.     

On an entirely different side note - if you need something to do for Mom for Mother's Day tomorrow, take her to Hooter's!  The sign says that all mothers get 10 free wings!  Nothing says "THANKS MOM" like ten free wings served to you by a Hooter's girl!

Friday, April 29, 2011

The Seventh Year Senior's Curriculum Vitae (CV)

Apparently, if you get yourself educated, you need to show off your big brain in the form of an elaborate resume called a 'curriculum vitae'.  The real one I have to turn in for a grade is giving me gray hair, so I'm going to do this one instead. . .


Melissa McCarthy
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington D.C., DC 20500-004
(202) 456-1414

PROFESSIONAL PROFILE
  • Accomplished procrastinator proven to put off any ginormous project and complete it in seconds
  • Effective communicator 
    • Can tell someone to F#%K off in three languages
      • Four if you count the middle finger as another language
  • Fluent in sarcasm
  • Developed & implemented new ways to demonstrate the eye roll and evil eye
  • Seasoned in drinking excessive amount of coffee without peeing for an entire 8 hour shift
EDUCATION
  • (2000)  Graduated High School by the seat of my pants.  Literally.  I was still serving detentions the day before graduation for all the school skipping.
  • (2004)  Northcentral Technical College - Wausau, Wisconsin  My daddy was a trucker, so I was inspired to become fluent in sign language, too.  I wish I would have realized a lot sooner that it's not the same thing.
  • (2011)  Viterbo University - La Crosse, Wisconsin  BS in Biopsychology.  I can BS about Biopsychology all day. 

ATTEMPTED EDUCATION

I applied and was accepted to all of the following schools:
  • Musictech - St. Paul, MN
  • McNally Smith - St. Paul, MN  (Same school as above.  I applied twice over a period of a few years and they changed the name in the process.)
  • University of Alaska - Anchorage
  • University of Alaska - Juneau
  • University of Wisconsin - Marathon
  • University of Wisocnsin - Oshkosh
(And to think my high school guidance counselor told me I'd never get into a 4 year college!)

ACADEMIC HONORS & AWARDS
  • Are you kidding?  I need not overexert myself trying to steal awards and honors from the kiss-asses and overachievers who truly deserve them.  

ACHIEVEMENTS
  • Seven years of college and I have finally narrowed down my "what I want to be when I grow up" list to three pages.  (Front & back, single spaced!)
  • Moved 7 times in five years!  (That will actually be 8 on June 1st!)
  • Passed Statistics and Chemistry
  • Survived living with wild college party animals
  • Figured out how to use the microwave in the reading room

    PROFESSIONAL AFFILIATIONS
    • BMI Member (Broadcast Music, Inc)   2008 - Present
    • Facebook, YouTube, & Myspace (Myspace sucks, but it's kind of a must-have for musicians)
    •  
    SPECIALIZED SKILLS
    • Multi-tasking
      • Can chew gum and listen to my iPod ad the same time
      • Can simultaneously pack an apartment and a suitcase for traveling abroad
      • Can sing the lyrics to "Amazing Grace" to the tune of "Gilligan's Island"
    • Office Skills
      • Can jam any printer - even one without paper
      • Brilliant at faxing blank documents
      • Can type anywhere between 5 and 45 wpm.  Depends on whether or not my train of thought is on track
      • Can refill a stapler with minimal ER visits
    • Skills that Make Mom & Dad Say, That's my girl!!
      • Can touch my tongue to my nose
      • Have two double-jointed thumbs
      • Skilled at reading print upside down
      • My Celine Dion, Cher, Crystal Gayle impersonations are entertaining
      • Can dress in all black for two weeks straight without having to do laundry 

    INTERESTS
    • Education, obviously 
    • Advocating Wikipedia as a scholarly resource
    • Fainting Goats

    COMMUNITY SERVICE
    • The other day, I picked up a cup someone left on the street and threw it away so it could go sit in the landfill for a few gazillion years, instead of out where everyone could see it

    Thursday, April 7, 2011

    Confessions of a Close-to-Graduation Senioritis Sufferer

    Dear Blog,

    From what I hear diaries are for losers, so that's why I've named you 'Blog'.  I hope no one ever finds this on the world wide web because I'd hate for people to know my deepest, darkest, senioritis secrets.

    I didn't go to Ecology of Evolution lab today.  Nor did I go last week.  Put a fork this soon-to-be couch potato because she's DONE!  It's not that I have been sitting on my ass-ignments doing nothing.  There's a literature review that has decided not to write itself.  (Must I do EVERYTHING around here?)

    Do you know what a migraine is?  Of course you don't.  You're a blog.  So, let me tell you.  First, Google "Phineas Gage" and read about his mishap.  That is a migraine.  Twice in one week I have had to go home from school, close the curtains, take Ibuprofen, and sleep off a Phineas Gage-sized migraine.  The kind of migraine that you swear is a brain tumor.  I blame the endless pile of reading, a broken pair of glasses, and maybe some allergies thrown in the mix.  No amount of Ibuprofen can even come close to the relief I will feel on May 14th!

    On a positive note, I've been walking a lot outside.  Taking in the spring and thinking about how much I have to do while I'm busy walking around the neighborhood.  I am only one person and I can only do so much.  If the government would lay off the ethical issues regarding cloning, this would NOT be a problem.

    I did not forget to brush my teeth this morning.  I simply chose not to.  Toothpaste and coffee don't mix.  My apologies to anyone who comes into contact with me today.

    So, I came out to the truck yesterday morning to find that someone broke into it.  They stole a soda, I think.  Nothing else was missing, but they went through everything.  Piece of crap loser.  It's a damn good thing this senior was in a coma.  If I would have caught the scum sucker who had the nerve to mess with my stash of sugar in a can, I would showed them what it looks like to open a can of whoop ass!  I may only be 5'2", but I got some Irish in me.  (And they don't call me "Zelda" for nothing!!!) 

    On another positive note, I signed the lease for my new apartment.  I haven't seen it yet.  I'm picturing dark paneling on the walls and orange shag carpet.  Picture the worst and be surprised.  That's my motto. 

    Well, I must leave now to go tour an animal research facility.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.
     I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.  I will behave myself.

    -The Seventh Year Senior
       

    Wednesday, March 30, 2011

    Life Lessons

    For all the youngsters who may be following, I would like to share with you some life lessons I've learned throughout my 28 years and 10.5 months on this planet. 

    These are my lessons I would highly recommend you learn the hard way:

    • The value of a dollar:  I've worked my ass off my entire life.  That doesn't mean I haven't slacked off.  Everyone needs to slack off here and there.  The more you slack off, the lazier you become.  The lazier you become, the less you shower.  The less you shower, the less people want to hang out with you.  Back the value of a dollar, though... work for it.  Establish a work ethic.  Be someone an employer wants to hire - not laugh about when you leave the interview.  
    • Geography 101: Yeah, yeah, yeah... I thought I was applying for a job in Arkansas because I messed up the whole AR/AK abbreviation thing.  A common mishap - could have happened to anyone.  BUT, not everyone takes the job in Alaska after thinking they were applying to Arkansas.  That takes a very brave individual.  Or, a stupid individual.  However you look at it, that mistake played an important role in the development of Melissa.  As long as I'm talking about geography - quit buying GPS gadgets.  You're missing out on the thrill of getting lost.  Seriously - if I had a GPS, I would not have discovered that taking a wrong turn off of Hwy. J in Wausau could land you in Birnamwood.  Or, that missing an exit could take you 2 hours out of the way.  Had I taken the exit, my sister Colleen and I wouldn't have had our quality bonding time extended two additional hours. 
    • How well you work under pressure: There really is no other way to learn this lesson.  Put off a research paper until the night before it's due.  Be the first to arrive on the scene of an accident.  Be a restaurant server on Valentine's Day.  
    • English is not a universal language:  I encourage you to go some place where you can't communicate with anyone.  Learn another way of life.  Expand your horizons.  Miss your exit on a city bus in Cancun at 11:00 PM and see where you end up.  Better yet - go to Cancun without hotel reservations and let the cab driver find you a place to stay.  Even if you don't believe in God, you just might find yourself talking to Him.  
    • The Luxury of Having a Travel Agent: I recently realized I am getting old.  Back in my Alaska days, I used to book my own flights home for holidays.  One particular flight started in Ketchikan, Alaska.  From there I flew to Seattle.  After Seattle, I went to Oakland, CA.  From Oakland, CA, I went to Boise, Idaho.  After Boise, I was supposed to go to Denver.  Luckily, I flew standby and was able to skip Denver and go right from Boise to Chicago.  From Chicago, I finally made it to Central Wisconsin Airport in Mosinee.  That little 6 city tour took 27 hours and cost close to $1,000.  It was round-trip, so I did get to do the whole thing in reverse.   Lost luggage both there and back, as well.  While a travel agent cannot guarantee no lost luggage, they can certainly make the trip a little less daunting. 
     Lessons I don't recommend learning the hard way:

    • Broken Bones: When someone is spinning you around by the arms, use your words wisely.  Saying "drop me" just might result in a severely broken collar bone. 
    • Are you cut out for med school?  Med school is not for everyone.  If you're thinking about it, think about it hard.  Take a chemistry class and see how that goes for you.  If you're still thinking about it, do a YouTube search for a live autopsy.  If you're like me, you'll be passed out cold on the office floor before the Y-cut is even complete.  When you come to, you'll look into other professions.  If you can handle the autopsy, the chemistry, the physics, the anatomy & physiology, the $150,000+ tuition bill, and the gazillion years for college - you're ready for med school.  
    • Use Craigslist with Caution: Craigslist is one of my favorite places on the Internet.  I have booked tons of photography gigs through Craigslist, booked tons of music gigs, bought a beautiful rocking chair for $15, found a set of ice cream parlor chairs that I refinished and could sell for over triple what I paid for them (but I won't because they are awesome).  I've found camera accessories, cars, roommates, and apartments.  I also ended up doing a ride-share to Missouri with two lesbians - one had antlers tattooed across her chest and wore a coonskin cap - complete with tail.  Luckily, so far none of my Craigslist encounters have been featured on Dateline, 20/20, or some other news program that talks about people being robbed, beaten, raped, or murdered because of Craigslist.  Go with your gut when it comes to these things.    
    • Texting While Driving is DUMB: Don't do it.  If I see you texting and driving, you're going to see my middle finger.  Unfortunately, you're not going to notice my middle finger because the odds are - you won't be paying attention.  Just like you'll miss the stop light, the semi, the school bus, or whatever else that seems less important than whatever you're texting...

    Other things to ponder...
    • When they say no water in your water bottle when going through airport security - they mean no water in your water bottle.  
    • There are some things in life worth losing a night's sleep over.  A grade point average is not one of them.  
    • About 95.6% of the things I have stressed over turned out to be not-so-bad.  
    • "If you're going to make a mistake, make it loud enough for all to hear." - An orchestra conductor at a workshop I went to in middle school.  
    • There's no use crying over spilled milk... but ask my sister, Shannon, about 8 gallons of paint.

    That is all for now.  I may have to make a "part 2" of this post.  Let me keep thinking...


      Sunday, March 27, 2011

      Top Ten Ways to Entertain Myself During the Graduation Ceremony

      So, I have been warned that the graduation ceremony is long and boring.  It's important to plan ahead for these things, so here is my list of things I can do to entertain myself during the ceremony:

      The Top Ten Ways to Entertain Myself During the Graduation Ceremony:

      10.  Bring my laptop to search for jobs.

      9.  Order a pizza and tell the delivery person to bring it to the girl in the black gown and cardboard hat. 

      8.  Play doh, crayons, and coloring books. 

      7.  Catch up on sleep from the all the nights of studying... oh wait... I never studied, nor did I miss a night of sleep. 

      6.  It's too bad Psychology isn't spelled Spychology.  Then, I could shake hands with everyone and say, "Hey.  I have my B.S. in B.S.  - Bio Sychology." 

      5.  Finish my literature review.

      4.  Call my mom, stand up on my chair, and ask if she can see me!!

      3.  Floss my teeth with my tassel.

      2.  Repeat number 4.  But this time, call Dad. 

      And the number one way to entertain myself during the graduation ceremony is . . .

      1.  Make like a senior and skip the ceremony and go right to the party.

      Thursday, March 17, 2011

      This is the Title of this Blog Entry

      I not only picked up my cap and gown today, I did it in typical senior fashion.  Cap & Gown pick up was scheduled from 2:30 - 5:30 today in the Student Union.  Well, I had Biopsychology lab from 1:00 - 2:50.  At 2:25 I excused myself, ran my out-of-shape behind across campus, bought a soda and drank it, then lined up with all of the other eager-to-get-the-hell-out-of-here graduates.  Grabbed the cap and the gown and ran my still-out-of-shape behind back to the other end of campus, up two flights of stairs, and interrupted the lecture when I came in - carrying my cap and gown.  And then it dawned on me - I should have put it on before I barged in.  Duh.

      To make it EVEN BETTER, the professors were in the middle of discussing data we've been collecting for two weeks.  My partner and I somehow obtained the wrong data and numbers that should have looked like this: 0.612, 0.432, 0.1204, 0.002343, etc...  ended up looking more like this: 125436.43, 243476.31, 464,345.66, etc.  These were bird brains we were analyzing.  Apparently, our bird was one of the prehistoric ones that we thought were extinct.

      Six week left in the semester and the damn literature review has still not written itself.  DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

      Here's my to-do list:
      • Biopsychology Exam TOMORROW MORNING!
      • Edit photo sessions from last Wednesday (2 of them)
      • Edit photo session from last Saturday (1 of them)
      • Clean apartment
      • Pick up baby chicks for Easter photos
      • Set up backdrops
      • Take lots of pictures ALL weekend
      • Edit pictures rest of weekend
      • Figure out what I want to be when I grow up by Monday at 3:00 PM and share it with other students who are only coming to the career presentation because they need it for their iWebfolio
      • Research a career in Biopsychology and submit it to the DropBox by Monday night
      • Hurry up and make it look like I've made progress on the research/lit review
      • Lab Quiz next Thursday
      • Written Lab Report due next Thursday
      • Gig at Canadian Honker next Saturday (PRACTICE!!!!  MAKE TIME TO PRACTICE!!!)
      • Put Power Point together for hospice presentation
      • Do the hospice presentation
      • Find an apartment
      • Move . . .    . . .   . . . AGAIN!
      Side story - I applied for an internship today.  As part of it, they conduct a background check.  Sometimes you need extra space to list all of your employers.  Or, maybe all of your education?  I also need additional space for where I've lived the last 7 years:  Weston Avenue, Klowack, AK, Weston Avenue, again, 6th Street, Cass Street, Cameron Ave, Main Street, Hemlock Drive, and 19th Street. . .

      That just made me REALLY crabby.  Moving makes me crabby.

      Back to the To-Do List...
      • Photograph 1st wedding of the season next month
      • Lori McKenna concert in Chicago - ONE MONTH FROM TONIGHT - 
      • Graduation Party Planning
      • Music Fest - in Winona
      • Gig in Green Bay
      • I think I need to stop here for right now .  .   .   .   .