Friday, April 29, 2011

The Seventh Year Senior's Curriculum Vitae (CV)

Apparently, if you get yourself educated, you need to show off your big brain in the form of an elaborate resume called a 'curriculum vitae'.  The real one I have to turn in for a grade is giving me gray hair, so I'm going to do this one instead. . .

Melissa McCarthy
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington D.C., DC 20500-004
(202) 456-1414

  • Accomplished procrastinator proven to put off any ginormous project and complete it in seconds
  • Effective communicator 
    • Can tell someone to F#%K off in three languages
      • Four if you count the middle finger as another language
  • Fluent in sarcasm
  • Developed & implemented new ways to demonstrate the eye roll and evil eye
  • Seasoned in drinking excessive amount of coffee without peeing for an entire 8 hour shift
  • (2000)  Graduated High School by the seat of my pants.  Literally.  I was still serving detentions the day before graduation for all the school skipping.
  • (2004)  Northcentral Technical College - Wausau, Wisconsin  My daddy was a trucker, so I was inspired to become fluent in sign language, too.  I wish I would have realized a lot sooner that it's not the same thing.
  • (2011)  Viterbo University - La Crosse, Wisconsin  BS in Biopsychology.  I can BS about Biopsychology all day. 


I applied and was accepted to all of the following schools:
  • Musictech - St. Paul, MN
  • McNally Smith - St. Paul, MN  (Same school as above.  I applied twice over a period of a few years and they changed the name in the process.)
  • University of Alaska - Anchorage
  • University of Alaska - Juneau
  • University of Wisconsin - Marathon
  • University of Wisocnsin - Oshkosh
(And to think my high school guidance counselor told me I'd never get into a 4 year college!)

  • Are you kidding?  I need not overexert myself trying to steal awards and honors from the kiss-asses and overachievers who truly deserve them.  

  • Seven years of college and I have finally narrowed down my "what I want to be when I grow up" list to three pages.  (Front & back, single spaced!)
  • Moved 7 times in five years!  (That will actually be 8 on June 1st!)
  • Passed Statistics and Chemistry
  • Survived living with wild college party animals
  • Figured out how to use the microwave in the reading room

    • BMI Member (Broadcast Music, Inc)   2008 - Present
    • Facebook, YouTube, & Myspace (Myspace sucks, but it's kind of a must-have for musicians)
    • Multi-tasking
      • Can chew gum and listen to my iPod ad the same time
      • Can simultaneously pack an apartment and a suitcase for traveling abroad
      • Can sing the lyrics to "Amazing Grace" to the tune of "Gilligan's Island"
    • Office Skills
      • Can jam any printer - even one without paper
      • Brilliant at faxing blank documents
      • Can type anywhere between 5 and 45 wpm.  Depends on whether or not my train of thought is on track
      • Can refill a stapler with minimal ER visits
    • Skills that Make Mom & Dad Say, That's my girl!!
      • Can touch my tongue to my nose
      • Have two double-jointed thumbs
      • Skilled at reading print upside down
      • My Celine Dion, Cher, Crystal Gayle impersonations are entertaining
      • Can dress in all black for two weeks straight without having to do laundry 

    • Education, obviously 
    • Advocating Wikipedia as a scholarly resource
    • Fainting Goats

    • The other day, I picked up a cup someone left on the street and threw it away so it could go sit in the landfill for a few gazillion years, instead of out where everyone could see it

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