Thursday, January 27, 2011

Senioritis Analysis

"If you can't bedazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

Senioritis: Let's begin by breaking the word down.  Sen makes up the first three letters of the word Senior.  It is fun to pronounce it Sven instead, isn't it?  Ior makes up the last three letters of the word senior and amazingly sounds like Eeyore and reminds me of Winnie the PoohItis is a suffix that, in medical terminology, means inflammation.  To clarify, Eeyore is not experiencing inflammation because Ior and Eeyore are not the same thing and I wish you would pay attention, dammit.  We are also not talking about Sven Eeyore Itis because that's entirely different from Senioritis, which is the condition from which many suffer that we are focusing on right now.  

Common Co-occurring Disorders: First, I probably need to fill you in on what a co-occurring disorder is.  To define what a co-occurring disorder is as simply as possible, I'll put it this way:  It's when instead of just being up shit crick, you're up shit crick with an anchor instead of a paddle.  Think of it this way: You're sitting in your canoe floating along on dung and realize that you grabbed a ginormous anchor and left the paddle back at your moped somewhere on shore.  You're not just screwed, you're royally ... nevermind.

(My professors typically don't like me making up these ways to think about things and encourage me to stick with the examples from the book.  So, if you need something for a narrower mind, having a substance abuse with a mental illness is an example.  Kind of like the 5,000 calorie burgers at Burger King - you buy one, you get one free.)

Just a few common disorders that occur with senioritis include:
  • Chronic Yawning Syndrome 
  • CRSD (Can't Remember Shit Disease)
  • Spontaneous Eye Crossing Syndrome
Biological Implications of Senioritis:  Everyone needs to know the seriousness of senioritis from a biological perspective.  Senioritis, as mentioned earlier, refers to an inflammation.  This occurs in numerous places within the body.  The swelling can occur in all of the tissues that make up your motivation pathway until it is no longer able to function and you're left on your couch, drooling, watching Nancy Grace because you can't even move to change the channel.  That is in extreme cases.  The constant class skipping can cause soreness in the knees and joints, so good shoes are essential.  Auditory processing functions at a much slower rate and patients often use words such as, "Huh" and "What".

Psychological Implications of Senioritis:  All you need to know about this is, once again, the word breakdown:  It's only logical to go psycho if you have senioritis.

Social Implications of Senioritis: Since homework, studying, and class often are of little importance to senioritis suffers, this can be a tremendous benefit to socialization.  Patients have more time to party like rock stars with the undesirables from the freshmen classes who will become future dropouts and never even experience senioritis.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Evolution Shmevolution

I must say that it's official:  Jack Bauer and I have officially called it quits and I've moved on.  The 192 hours/8 Days I spent with Jack will never be forgotten.  While he is in hiding from the Russians, I have no choice but to pursue other interests.  There is a new man in my life now.  He's over 200 years old and his name is Charles Darwin. 

The last two weeks have been nothing but Darwin, Darwinian Medicine, Evolutionary Medicine, natural selection, survival of the fittest, Galapagos Islands, the Beagle, finches, traits, speciation, and so on.  So many times through a person's education, they will sit back and ask themselves, "What the hell am I ever going to need to know this for?"

Well, I am not asking that question.  Instead, I am asking myself a different question.  "How can I relate evolution to senioritis?"

First things first.  We need to define natural selection and evolution.  Natural selection is the process by which only organisms with the best adapted traits for the environment survive.  Evolution is a change in genetic makeup of a population over a period of time. 

So, let's say that your "population" is a group of college seniors.  Within this population, there are seniors with the gene for senioritis and seniors that do not have this gene.  We'll call graduation our "survival".  The seniors without the senioritis gene are more likely to survive through graduation, while the senioritis sufferers die off, or go work for Wal-mart.  Natural selection is all about reproduction, so to tie that in... all those seniors who graduate celebrate with alcohol on graduation night, mate, and produce the next generation of non-senioritis sufferers.  

I think this would be an excellent presentation for some of the upcoming science events.  I better quit wasting time and start a proposal.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

How I Feel About Research

I think the only way I can possibly sum up how I feel about research is through photos I have stolen off of a Google search.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Back in the Saddle, Again... Almost.

Textbooks... ORDERED!
Student ID... MISSING!
Research... STARTED!
Financial Aid... REINSTATED!

Farewell to the sabbatical.  Tomorrow is a school night.  Farewell to waking up whenever I please, lounging around in pajamas until I can't stand the smell of myself, the "hanging out" with Grandpa Larry, the goofing off, and everything else I have become so accustomed to the last few months.  It is time to focus, get serious, and get this graduation thing done.

The seventh year senior would like to take this time to reflect on my many accomplishments during this amazing sabbatical:

  • "Hunting in the House" is now at 10,000 words!
  • I shoveled Grandpa's driveway.  Three times.
  • Worked 50+ hours at Integra's new building & it looks AWESOME!
  • Drank the equivalent of an Olympic-sized swimming pool in Coffee!
  • Watched "Home Alone" 4 times.
  • Watched "Elf" 3 times.
  • Memorized the words to almost all of Sugarland's new CD.
  • Read over 25 books to Nolan, Madeline, and Gunner.
  • Brushed my teeth at least every three days.
  • Played 3 gigs.
  • Watched every episode of Cheers, The Andy Griffith Show, and Everybody Loves Raymond ever made.  
 In the morning, I will start my journey back to La Crosse.  The semester is going to be intense.  May there be a cure for senioritis by Monday morning.  How in the world am I going to get up by noon for my first class?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Things I Find on Craigslist

Ad title: I be a vocalist 

I didn't even open the post at first.  I see "I be a vocalist" and instantly don't care whether or not they can sing because I am willing to bet this person can't even talk. 

Ad Title: 
ESL, English, and More
Ad Content: 
 I am an experienced ESL tutor, offering "Student Driven" one-on-one classes, 
which are designed to meet YOUR SPECIFIC NEEDS.

 Would it be wrong to give this person's e-mail to the I be a vocalist guy?

Ad title: 
 Wedding/Funeral Singer
 My name is Emily and I am looking for more opportunities to pursue my passion. 

Does this strike anyone else as funny?  Just wondering.

Ad title: 
 My Hubby is a Mama's Boy!!!
He talks to his mother several times a day everyday.
All she has to do is snap her fingers and he goes running to her house.
Please read my story and share your thoughts on my situation.

What is up with these?  They pop up every now and then and it directs you to  Really?  Wouldn't you rather be watching Jersey Shore?

Ad title:
iso of photographer for TFC shoot
female actress looking for a photographer for headshots.
TFC or TFP only.
looking to do this sometime next week maybe wednesday, the 12th.
serious people only.
don't waste my time, and i won't waste yours. 
I love the "don't waste my time, and i won't waste yours" the best.  TFC/TFP is a waste of time, young lady.  Unless your Sandra Bullock or someone of similar status, of course.  (TFC = trade for content; TFP = trade for prints)  If you're looking for quality, you should expect to pay your photographer.  Otherwise, get out your iPhone and take a couple headshots.  I hate these types of ads and there are tons of them out there.  

Ad title:
Looking for a Russian Speaking Nanny
I think Sarah Palin is available.

Ad title:
aDuLt WaLkEr...
Ad Content:
nice and FIRM does not WIGGLE make good offer! 

No comment.  Just sharing.

Lost & Found Items
LOST: Sparkle Blue Superman Wallet (Arkansas)

LOST: Yellow Champ Hobby Airplane (Arkansas)

LOST: 1992 Geo Tracker (Arkansas)
Last seen on Thompson Street. Yellow. Old. POS. Our family's transportation. Please return it. The cops are looking for you.

LOST: ATV Ramp (Montana) 

FOUND: Anyone Lose a Rabbit? (Alaska)

FOUND: Dead husky on 96.... Sorry for your loss (Detroit)

LOST: Hearing aids (Milwaukee)

FOUND: I found your dress in the parking lot (Milwaukee)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Last 15 days of Sabbatical

Okay, it wasn't really a sabbatical.  It was more along the lines of a necessary leave of absence.  Still, I have participated in many creative projects that can make it seem justified as a sabbatical. 

I am afraid, however, that school is going to shock my system.  After all, I have been off since mid-October.  Now that we're down to the wire I am trying to prepare myself for a scheduled lifestyle.  This routine of waking up whenever I want, blogging or writing all day, hanging out with my grandpa, the niece and nephews, and drinking all the soda and coffee I can get my hands on has been incredible.  With it coming to an end, I am scrambling to finish up projects that I won't be able to pay attention to until after May.

Maybe I need to create a Back to School Boot Camp for myself?  Set my alarm every morning for 6:30 AM, read more than just Facebook statuses and Craigslist ads, get going on my research project, organize my apartment for effective studying, and practice more self-discipline.

Scratch that.  I've been in college long enough to know how to do this.  I think I'll spend these 15 days working on my collection of childhood stories, playing some guitar, watching movies, and setting all sorts of goals for 2011.

Off the subject, do you consider 7-up a soda?  I don't.  But, I did break the New Year's resolution of no more soda in less than 48 hours.  I cracked open a Mountain Dew today, chugged it, and then took a two hour nap.  I think 7-up, Sprite, and Sierra Mist are okay, though.  No caffeine.  Either way, I guess the fact that I didn't have three Mountain Dews today, or 2 Mountain Dews and a Coke Zero is progress.  Looking on the bright side, I won't have that awful migraine that comes with cutting off the caffeine.  Oh, wait.  I didn't give up coffee either, so that really isn't an issue.  Hmm...

Ok.  Carry on.  I'm going to get back to creative writing and watching television in front of this awesome space heater I found.