Tuesday, November 30, 2010

How Senioritis Does Christmas

First things first... every case of senioritis needs pajamas.  Hopefully my fellow college failures did not miss out on the Cyber Monday deals on some of these hot nighties.

Before the super duper senior can become nice and cozy in the pajamas that won't be removed for a month, the recliner needs to be positioned perfectly.  It takes someone with at least seven years of college to get this right.  The recliner needs to be set in line with the television where there will be no chance of the slightest glare.  In addition, there must be a wall outlet within reach so the laptop charger can be plugged in.  An end table should be placed on the opposite side of the footrest lever.  This is so that you aren't constantly hitting the table when you're adjusting the footrest.  There should always be coffee or hot chocolate, soda, water, and snacks on or around the table.  This is where younger brothers or sisters come in handy.  They make great end table re-stockers.

Once the recliner is perfectly set, you're going to need a blanket/s.  My blanket of choice is, of course, black.  It's not fleece - it's softer.  Almost kind of furry.  I bought it on clearance for $5 and was the best purchase of my life.  Why I didn't buy twenty of them, I don't know.  I'm still kicking myself for that one.

Once you have your recliner set, your end table stocked, and your blanket, you're ALMOST ready to assume the sit-on-your-a&$-and-do-nothing position.

Before you can get comfortable, there are some general guidelines you need to follow:
  • Always keep a drool rag nearby.  
  • Only leave the recliner for the following reasons:
    • Go to the bathroom
    • Take a shower (at least every four days if there are other people in the house.  If not, every six is fine.)
    • To answer the door (for the pizza delivery guy)
    • An extreme emergency such as:
      • You ran out of snacks/soda/coffee and no siblings will come when you call, yell, or scream
      • Publisher's Clearing House shows up
      • The Christmas tree is on fire
    • Meeting up with friends who are in town for the holidays.  
  • Do not fight the urge to nap.
  • Do not check school e-mail.  
  • Do not think twice about putting in Home Alone for the 300th time.
  • Do not feel guilty about eating all of the cut out cookies - even if you ate them before they were cut out.

You are now ready to enjoy your senioritis!!!

Any questions?

Look for the blog entry coming in January entitled, "HOW DO I GET THIS RECLINER OFF MY BUTT??"

Sunday, November 7, 2010

How Not to Do Things Half-Assed

I am what my therapist refers to as an "all-or-nothing" personality type.  Apparently, this is not a good thing to be.  Well, it can be a good thing sometimes, but definitely not all the time.  I've been and "all-or-nothing" dieter and that got me into trouble on many occasions.  You can check out my other blog on that.  School is another shining example of the "all-or-nothing" life of Melissa McCarthy.

The hardest thing about being this perfectionist all-or-nothing student is time.  Not only am I a perfectionist-all-or-nothing, I'm also a procrastinator because I work better under pressure.  I had to learn to pick and choose what to put my entire heart into and what to completely blow off.  Usually, the classes that I struggled most with were the ones I didn't bother putting effort into.  This way, I could focus on the classes I excelled in.  With me, it was math and science that held me down, so I put my time and energy into English, Art, Music, History, and anything that didn't involve a calculator.

I don't do anything half-assed.  School skipping was certainly no exception.  My junior year of high school I decided that if I was going to skip one class, I may as well skip the entire day.  That landed me in truancy court, actually.  Like I said... I don't do anything half-assed.  The judge went easy on me.  Probably because instead of wallet chains, I wore a skirt and even cried a little.

The last class I attended was on October 18th.  Due to extenuating circumstances that (for now) I cannot blab about, the powers that be are trying to pull a lot of strings to push  me out the door quietly.  But, maybe this is a sign that I'm not where I'm supposed to be right now.

Last night, I went to The Pump House in La Crosse for a wonderful concert, featuring Clay Riness - a singer/songwriter from the area.  It was inspiring.  I've been neglecting my guitar far too long and need to get back into songwriter-mode.  So, Miss All-or-Nothing not only wants to dive right back into the music, she is going to do some kind of a tour next year.  It may just be around Wisconsin, or it may be all the way to Boston and back.  Who knows?  If I end up losing my ass on this, it will be my entire ass.  Remember, I do nothing half-assed.

The photography gig is going well, too.  I have four weddings booked for next year already.  As sick as some people think this is, I want to get involved with what some refer to as "end of life" photography.  It's actually a beautiful thing if done with taste.

Writing is right up there on my list of things to do, too.  Maybe a memoir?  Actually, I have one started, but I'm working on a novel right now.  Sort of.  Writing a novel is hard.  So is dropping out of college with less than 30 credits to graduation, but if I can do that, I can write a novel, dammit.

(I threw the "dammit" in for added emphasis.  Nice, huh?)

If anyone is looking for me, this weekend I will be secluded with the women in my life at craft weekend in Three Lakes, Wisconsin.  I will be putting together press kits for my first tour, creating promotional material for my photo business, and learning how to use a sewing machine.

Watch out, World.   

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tragedy with a Happy Ending

It was Halloween afternoon and I had seventeen candles burning on a bookshelf.  It came time to extinguish the flames and as I was bent over blowing out the candles on the lower shelf, a candle on the upper shelf tipped.  The wax fell into my hair and ran down the back of my favorite black shirt.

If you remember, the shirt hanging on the doorknob - the one on the lower left corner - is my favorite black shirt.  So, I went and bought one to replace it.  You're probably thinking, "Melissa... you have twelve black shirts!  Why in the world did you go out and buy a new one?"  Well, let me answer that for you.  This one is the perfect combination of cotton and Guatemala.  Unfortunately, they didn't have it in the brand the now candle wax-covered shirt was in.  There was a different brand, but very similar.  I think this will do.  ($10 at Target, FYI.)  I will give it a test run tomorrow and report back. 

I now have my complete set of black shirts put together and the world can exist in perfect harmony once again.