Monday, November 18, 2013

Singlehood: The Latest Dating Disaster

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone posed the question, "Why are you still single?"  How does one even go about answering that?  If I say that's none of your business, I'm a crabby closet lesbian.  If I say something stupid like, Mr. Right hasn't come along, it means I'm a loser that doesn't get out and mingle and I'm being too picky.  When I answer, well, I have commitment issues, I am not a fan of being naked, and I like being single, it's a little too much information and the conversation turns completely awkward.

I have tried the online dating thing more than a few times with various sites.  In fact, a few months ago I decided to give it another go.  I always try to go into it with an open mind, but I don't care what the profile says or what the picture looks like, if the first e-mail/message is all lower case with no punctuation and poor spelling, I won't respond.  If how u doin is the best first line someone can come up with, I doubt I could sit through an entire first date.

So, my subscription was set to expire yesterday.  I had been e-mailing back and forth with someone and we talked about meeting for coffee, so we exchanged phone numbers.  Last night, I was snuggled up in a pile of blankets working on photo editing when I heard Sheldon from "Big Big Theory" say BAZINGA.  That's my text alert and it was a message from this guy.

It started all innocent.  How was your weekend?  What are you doing?  He is working on his master's in counseling and had mentioned that he was working on a paper.  Well, Sheldon's BAZINGA made me glance away from my computer to my phone and I was horrified to see two -- not one, but TWO -- pictures of this guy in his bathroom, full frontal nudity.  I've never deleted a thread of text messages so fast in my life.  In all of my college days, I don't recall EVER working on a paper in the nude.  Who does that?

There were a lot of thoughts racing through my mind.  Things like, do guys really think women like this sort of thing?  Which turned into, Oh my god!!  Am I supposed to like this sort of thing?  I wanted nothing more than to suck my thumb and join a convent.

Of course, I had to e-mail my oldest sister, Shannon, to let her know about her sister's failed attempt at a social life.  This was her response:

SUBJECT:  RE: Meets Craigslist

Just had my own little casual encounter. I've been on match for quite a while. Started talking to a guy...going to school for his master's in counseling. And...we have been emailing for a while and I have him my number . Got FULL frontal nude pics sent to my phone tonight.
Single for life. 
Sent from my iPhone

Lol! OMG! Don't give up...they're not all big huge perverts!  
By the way, I want to see those pics!


If anyone needs me today, I'll be trying to trade in my iPhone because even though the thread is deleted, it is still contaminated.  I'll probably put on my bathing suit and take 15 hot showers.  Don't bother looking for my online dating profile.  It's GONE!  And, I will never be able to hear Sheldon say BAZINGA and not puke in my mouth.  Thanks, jerk.

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