The GRfrickenE

GRE is said to stand for Graduate Record Examinations.  That's a bunch of bullshit.  It should stand for Gotta Remember Everything or Go dRink Elcohol.  In typical Melissa style, I have 34 days to gather three letters of recommendation, finish my CV, study/register/take the GRE, and finish the rest of the application process.  I'm making peace with the fact that I might be taking another year off before tackling any type of graduate work.  That's okay, right?

They say to prep you should read newspapers like The New York Times.  That shit is boring.  I read the Onion and Facebook status updates.  Tell me I'm not ready for grad school!

These tests don't analyze crap, actually.  Well, maybe they do - but I'm a lousy test-taker, so I like to tell myself they are useless methods of analyzing my true intelligence.  I mean, come on - these schools just want your money, so why do they make it so difficult to get in?  I don't mind jumping through hoops, but this is like belly flopping through hoops.

In the meantime, I should probably get myself a cup of coffee and a copy of the New York Times.  If I get a puppy, it will need something to piss on.

Back in the Sabbatical Saddle

That's right, I'm on sabbatical.  Again.  We are now two days into September and all of the local schools have started the new academic year.  Every department store have 'back to school' specials, the supplies are flying off the shelves at all the stores, and even the leaves are starting to turn.  It's my favorite time of year, yet I feel so ... ... ... left out.  I want new notebooks, highlighters, folders, binders, pens, pencils, a locker combination, and an orientation, too.

The only way I am going to get through this school withdrawal is to start the graduate school search.  Along with that comes the test prep.  Considering the deadlines are usually January or February, I have my work cut out for me.

So here is my list of things I need to accomplish within the next year:

1. Go to Ireland  (Every good sabbatical requires a trip somewhere.)
2. Finish my memoir (Every good sabbatical also requires the completion of a book)
3. Write some songs
4. Record a studio album with some of those recently written songs
5. Play gigs to sell that album with all of those recently written and recorded songs
6. Find some intriguing graduate programs
7. Apply to those intriguing graduate programs
8. Prep for the MAT and/or GRE
9. Take the MAT and/or GRE
10. Make my family so incredibly sick of having me around that they won't mind if I find a graduate program out of the state. . . or . . . country?!

May the sabbatical begin... again!!! 

Back to School Shopping

Like it or not, August is right around the corner.  The stores already have their "Back to School" sections stocked with notebooks, pencils, pens, folders, binders, and everything else students need.  Before all of you college freshmen venture out to the stores to blow your parents' money, let me give you some words of wisdom.

First of all, go for it.  Buy the most expensive supplies you can find.  Buy your textbooks brand new from the college bookstore.  In fact, buy all of your school supplies from the college bookstore, too.  That way you can kick yourself when you finally figure out that used textbooks online can save you hundreds of dollars.

You can never have enough Easy Mac, Chef Boyardee, and Top Ramen.  You have that Freshman 15 to tackle, so get a head start on that.

Remember all that cash you received from your high school graduation party?  STASH IT!!  Put it in a safe and secure place that is locked and hidden.  That way, when you are issued your first underage ticket, you can pay the fine and not have to ask your parents for the money.

As tempting as all the Best Buy, Verizon, and U.S. Cellular ads are, you DO NOT need a brand new top-of-the-line cell phone, laptop, iPad, iPod, or any other gadget.  In fact, most professors frown upon having laptops in lecture because, let's face it, you're not diligently adding notes to the Power Points.  You're on Facebook.  Cell phones in class are about as cool as walking into the class with a fully loaded shotgun and coonskin cap.  Yes, the dumbasses before you tried texting exam answers and that put the ban on cell phones.  In addition, I have been on MANY college campuses and happen to know that there are computers there for you to use.  Printers, too.

Here's a list of things I considered must-haves for my backpack when in college:

• Small stapler 
• Highlighters - at least 3 different colors
• 2-3 mechanical pencils 
• 3 pens
• Post-it notes
• 2 Flash drives  (Why 2, you ask?  BACK UP EVERYTHING!  Well, the important stuff.  With technology these days, there's no excuse for having something "not working" or "not saved")

As a side note, buy 1 good backpack and take care of it.  I have had the same backpack through two years of high school, three years of an associate's degree, four years of work in education, and four years of my bachelor's degree.

Now, I have never lived in the dorms.  I have been in one and they are tiny.  Pack wisely. 

Other considerations for shopping:

• One subject notebooks will not get you far in college  Go for the three-subject notebooks
• Be prepared to print quite a bit.  Most professors use Power Point lectures.  If you plan to print these, have three-ring binders on hand and your own 3-hole punch.
• Most, if not all, colleges/universities will have free planners, but they are not always very big.  I always wanted one with lots of space to keep myself organized!  Office Max have the best ones that I have found.

Whether you're living on or off campus, just remember that at some point, some of the crap you bring with you will probably end up on a curb with a "FREE" sign attached to it.    

Top Ten Ways to Celebrate Independence Day!!

10.  Throw a Fit in a Campground!!  Nothing says "Independence" like being handcuffed and spanked with a boatload of charges for misbehaving.


9.  What better way to spend the 4th of July than on the water?  Just make sure you plan ahead.  If you can't plan ahead, get your lazy ass out of your vehicle and walk up to the ATM to avoid any potential disasters.  

8.  FOUR WORDS:  Hot Dog Eating Contest!!!  The 4th of July just would not be The 4th of July without a massive heart attack!






7.  Weather permitting, a leisurely bike stroll is always a 4th of July favorite!

Don't forget to take your friends, too!

6.  Explosives!!!  Lots of illegal explosives to show the world you are free to do whatever you want!

5.  GO SWIMMING!!!!!!!

4.  Show your patriotic side by setting up this one of a kind Americana rig at your favorite camping location.  Unfortunately, for those in Minnesota, you'll have to park it somewhere the government has not shut down. 

3.  Don't do a damn thing and write about it on your Facebook status!!! 

2.  EAT WATERMELON UNTIL YOU TURN INTO ONE!!!!

And the Number One Way to Celebrate Independence Day:

1.  Wear Sunscreen!

Sunny Side Up

Wednesday morning, I went downstairs to my truck, put my camera bag and laptop bag in the backseat, shut the door, and got in.  I drove all the way to work and it wasn't until I stepped out into the parking lot and went to open the back door of the truck that I noticed this:

How I managed to drive four miles without noticing the egg splattered on my mirror is beyond me.  It's probably just that I am not used to being up and about before 9:00 AM. 

So, there's a half of a gallon of milk in my fridge that expired on June 12th.  I also have some stale Cheez-Its and the world's moldiest bowl of Mac & Cheese in the garbage that hasn't gone out yet.  If I wasn't so fond of sleeping, I would spend the night waiting for the drive-by chefs to come back and make them a concoction all my own.

As long as we're talking about eggs, I figured you might enjoy reading these:

12 Extraordinary Facts about Eggs

Enjoy!

Determining my "worth"

Out of curiosity, I did a Google search to see how much celebrity impersonators make in Las Vegas.  Are you ready for this?  Anywhere from between $150 - $1000 an hour.  Some have been known to make over $3000 for an event.  Now that my lip is movable and I can do my "Celine Dion" again... I think I best be getting on the next plane out of here.  Any suggestions on how to grow 6 inches taller?


So I started thinking about this.  I'm pretty much broke, but I'm way too talented, skilled, and crafty to be broke.  I'm not a huge spender.  Well, my problem is actually that lately I'm not a huge earner, either!  Welcome to the wonderful world of freelance/self-employment, I guess.

So tonight, here I am analyzing how much I am worth:

• Street musician in a decent sized city:  $55,000/year (avg.)
• Sign language interpreter: $22,000/year (avg.)
• Emerging photographer: $30,000/year (avg.)
• Celine Dion Impersonator: $4,400 (avg.)  (This would just be a few gigs a year... fun money!)
• Blogger: $17/hour (avg.) = $25,000/year (avg. part-time)
• Professional Yodeler: No information on salary found.  Deemed PRICELESS
• Biopsychology majors: $43,000/year (avg.)
• Gigging musician: $24,000/year (avg.)

**SO FAR - I am worth: $243,000

Now, remember.  We are in "the real world" now.  It's not all pats on the back, stickers for tying your shoes, and jelly beans for not pissing on the toilet seat.  Time to go back down that corporate ladder and reanalyze the situation.

• Can't mow a lawn:  -5,000/year
• Can't drive a stick shift: -1,500/year
• Can't cook for crap: -25,000/year
• Not fluent in Spanish: -30,000/year
• Solo musician w/out a band: -12,000/year
• Photography equipment: -10,000/year
• Rude people who don't call to cancel and just let you show up and wait: -2500/year
• Attire for "professional" stuff: -500/year
• Attire for the music, impersonations, etc: -3,000/year
• Insurance to cover all this stuff you have to have: -2,400/year
• Biopsychology: lack of a master's or doctorate: -35,000/year

**My worth is down to $103,100 . . . but WAIT!  We're not done, yet...

• I write crappy cover letters: -18,000/year
• Gas to travel all over creation: -3,500/year
• Lapsed interpreting license: - 22,000/year
• Moving expenses: -5,000/year
• Excessive amounts of Pro Bono work: -5,500

**This brings me back down to $49,000 ... but WAIT!!!  We have one more:

• STUDENT LOANS... $49,000

**TOTAL WORTH:  $0.00

Sample Cover Letter - Oprah

Still haven't heard from Steve Jobs, so I'm moving on to greater endeavors and new tactics.  In a dog-eat-dog job market, it's time to get creative with your cover letters.  Here is what I have come up with:

Dear Oprah,

Per your request, I have evaluated your Oprah Winfrey Network, O Magazine, and the Oprah.com website.  You are right, you will benefit greatly from my expertise and it would be a pleasure to have you as part of my team.  Unfortunately, at this time I am not hiring; however, your resume will be kept on file for six months.  I tell everyone that so they don't bother me for six months. 

Sincerely,

Melissa K. McCarthy


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Dear Oprah,

In regards to the last letter that was sent out, it was a mistake.  We told the intern to send out the rejection letter to another Oprah Winfrey; however, congratulations and welcome aboard!  I bet it's been a while since you have received a rejection letter.  I do hope it put your ego in check.

Revamping this network you have is going to a challenge, but together, I think we will be able to make it a smashing success.  Here are some of the proposals all of us at McCarthy Enterprises have come up with:

• Merging our names together: Oprah Winfrey Network & McCarthy Enterprises = OWN ME  Absolutely brilliant! 
• The royal wedding was not really an invitation for Sarah/Fergie to emerge from wherever she's been.  The show is not a total loss.  Since it is called Finding Sarah, we have come up with an idea of hiding Sarah in various places in Kentucky and sending teams out with clues to find her.  Kind of Amazing Race meets The Bachelorette because all the contestants are going to be men with roses.  Also, Sarah isn't going to know any of this.
• Time to ditch the reruns of the old show.  It's done.  It's gone.  It's time to move on.  
• We are going to really soar with this "Living Your Best Life" idea.  Not, living Oprah's best life.  But, the people watching OWN ME.  I think the best way to help people live their best lives is to give them some of your money.  Maybe even some keys to your house.  (Honestly, you do NOT need a house that big!)   

On a side note, I appreciate the complimentary issue of O magazine; however, I do not wish to subscribe.  You can quit sending me the bill for the subscription.

Looking forward to working with you,

Melissa McCarthy