Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sample Cover Letter

As part of the post-graduation routine, I have spent countless hours Google searching sample cover letters as a guide for writing my own.  First off, cover letters are dumb.  I am not fond of them at all.  I'd rather just send an e-mail saying, "Look at this crap I call experience, give me a call, and hire me."

Instead of looking at all the crap people put on the Internet for you to find, I'm finally going to put a sample cover letter out there that will actually yield results.

June 22, 2011

Steve Jobs
1 Infinite Loop
Cupertino, CA 95014

Dear Steve,

I need a job, and considering your last name, I would guess you have some.  I am highly qualified for pretty much any position that involves sitting on my ass and playing on a Mac all day.  As a side-note, I would like to add that I would take the world's crappiest Mac over the world's greatest Dell.  I had a Dell once.  In the time it would take to start up, I could make a pot of coffee, take a shower, dry my hair, drink the entire pot of coffee, make a gourmet breakfast, go to work, and come home eight hours later to find it just getting through with the virus scan.  By the way, your commercials are funny as hell.  Maybe I could star in one?  Or, write one?  Or, both?  Did I mention I have a minor in Writing?

I think that I would be a great asset to your company.  I have brilliant ideas on how you can spend that ungodly amount of money you make and help boost the economy at the same time.  First, that is really nice that you give students and educators a discount, but $100 off?  Really?  Have you gone to college lately?  You can't even buy a free couch off a curb for $100 these days.  I think a buy one, get one free program would be a huge hit.

Maybe you could see me more as a product tester.  I could evaluate all of your new products, software, and whatever else all your brainiacs come up with.  The fact that I am not an expert makes me a top pick for this position because I can evaluate on a user-friendly level.  After all, let's face it, you really need to start marketing to the elderly.  If they saw what these incredible computers and gadgets can do, I bet they'd stick around longer.  Part of my fear of dying is what I'm going to miss coming from Apple, but that's why I have a degree in Biopsychology.  I can now rationally deal with that crap while focusing on making amazing iMovie creations of grass growing, dogs mating, and my neighbor running around the house nude.  (He's a PC, so I have no problem broadcasting what he does in his spare time!)

I am sure that after reading this, Steve Jobs, you will come up with a fitting job for me.  I am more than willing to relocate to California, but I will not change my last name to Jobs.  No offense, but that' s a lame last name.  I would; however, change my name to Melissa Works.  That way, when people talk about me and they ask where I work, they can just say: "Melissa Works for Apple."  Saves words and sentences, doesn't it?


Melissa K. McCarthy

PS - My dad is Mike McCarthy, but I cannot get you free Packer tickets.  Well, if you can get me a free Mac, I might be able to pull some strings.

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