Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Vehicular Homicide: Profile of a Killer

Friends and family members would describe Melissa McCarthy as shy, quiet, friendly, and even compassionate.  She stands only 5'2" tall, but don't let her small frame fool you.  Beneath her innocent exterior lies a cruel, heartless terror ready to strike at any minute.  

Her latest victim: a 2002 Ford Explorer Sport Trac belonging to her own grandfather.  The truck was spotted this afternoon at a body shop on Jackson Street where mechanics raced to install a new cylinder - a casualty of Melissa's relentless abuse.  Melissa was issued a $271.00 slap on the wrist and the truck was released back into her custody.         

1987 Volkswagen Quantum 
Year of Murder: 2000
Murder Weapon: The Gas Pedal
Autopsy Findings: Melissa blew the radiator and continued driving the Quantum until it started on fire and burned to death.

1990 Chevy Lumina 
Vanished: 2001
The vehicle is believed to have been exchanged for another and has not been seen since.  It is speculated that the Lumina was sold for its organs. 

1999 Chevy Cavalier
Year of Murder: 2002
Murder Weapon: The Gas Pedal and a Grand AM
Autopsy Findings: Melissa drove the Cavalier into the rear end of a parked Grand AM without braking at 25 MPH.  The Cavalier was pronounced dead at the scene.  

2000 Kia Sephia
Vanished: 2004

2001 Ford Explorer Sport Trac
Melissa tortured this truck for five years.  She backed it into a mailbox, drove it on gravel roads in Alaska for two years, put it on ferries, made it haul stuff, and wore the brakes.  It escaped and is now in a protection program.   

1991 Mercury Topaz
Vanished: 2010
Last seen being pulled behind a tow truck.

1992 Nissan Maxima 
Vanished: 2009
Last seen in June 2009 in a parking lot in Madison, Wisconsin.

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