Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Senioritis Poem

Psychotics rarely yawn
and the average yawn lasts six seconds
so I've spent 510 seconds today
proving that I'm sane.

(Now make that 516)

I think it's the fifth week of school
but I could be wrong
(make that 522)
I still have three or four textbooks to purchase
and maybe I will

not disagree that sleeping is underrated.
Or that homework is overrated.
(ops, 528 seconds)
Yawning is annoying
and so are fresh...

Man, I tanked that first bio exam.
Studying in bed with the lights off and Facebook booted up
probably contributed to my below-average

performance review at work
just complemented me
on my time management

skill is dropping a cell phone three times on pavement
and finding the damn thing is still

working on graduation party plans
would be much easier if
they'd give me an honorary degree.

(Please note - my pointless poetry is never revised or edited.  It spews out of me as is.)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Melissa's Closet

So, over the summer I was offered a position as a fashion blogger.  Apparently, the girl didn't really do her research on me.  I am the LEAST fashion-oriented person I know.

But then I started thinking, maybe my fashion sense is really what designers are striving for?!  Maybe the fashion worlds needs Melissa McCarthy to set them straight.  Consider yourselves truly blessed to be fortunate enough to get a glimpse into my closet.

Here we go...

This is my collection of long-sleeved black tops.  You should note that there are some not pictured here.  The one I am wearing, its twin that is in the laundry, and the one that is down in the truck.  People have been asking me for years why I always wear so much black.  It's safe.  It's slimming, which will be elaborated on in my podcast, The Fattest Anorexic, at a later date.

Now, black is definitely the dominant color in the closet; however, when I find these long-sleeved shirts on clearance, I might pick out a little color.

See.  There is a splash of color in my closet.  And once in a while, you just might catch me in something other than black.

I must highly recommend these shirts, though.  They are very comfortable and often very reasonable for those of you on the 7 1/2 year college plan who need to pinch your pennies.  Bass recently had a sale on these, so I picked up four. The lower one hanging on the door knob came from Target off the Clearance rack!  It's my current favorite.  My rule - never spend more than $10 on one of these.  Usually, I pay between $6 and $8 for a shirt like this.  If I find them cheaper, I buy in bulk.  Obviously.
The best part about these shirts - they go with anything.  Jeans, jogging pants, skirts, or dress pants.

Now, let's talk sweatshirts.  I have a favorite.  It was a garage sale purchase my sister made and I stole.  It's been around for over seven years, which makes it a classic in my book.

June 2006 The sweatshirt on Prince of Wales Island in SE Alaska

November 2006 The sweatshirt welcomes my nephew to the world

January of 2007 - The Same Sweatshirt, Same Nephew
September 2010: Same Sweatshirt, Same Nephew, New Accessory

Christmas 2009 - Celebrating in style wearing *the* sweatshirt!

Those are just a few of the photos I have of me in *the* sweatshirt.  I have a feeling the fashion section of my blog is going to take flight and there are going to be tons of people dressing like me.  I'll probably end up with my own clothing line and be a judge on "Project Runway".  Heidi Klum, eat your heart out.  "In the fashion world, one day your in... the next day... Your dressing like you have senioritis!"

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Ten Things I Did Today

Ten Things I Did Today:

10.  Laundry.

9:  Ate three meals.  

8.  My hair & make up.

7.  Talked to my mom.

6.  Spent 5 1/2 hours at Barnes and Noble. 

5.  Played with a 5-year-old and a 4-month-old.

4.  Slept until 9:00 AM!

3.  Took a hot shower.

2.  Avoided downtown and all Oktoberfesting.

1. Archived photos!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Story Time

It's 8:15 on a Friday night.  Oktoberfest is kicking off just a mile away, but I will not be one of the inebriated ones unable to function without Ibuprofen tomorrow.  No, I have been looking forward to this weekend all month.  I have nothing scheduled.  No work, no photo shoots, and no traveling.  Instead, I'm thrilled to be organizing my life this weekend.  I came home from a class that let out early and did some unpacking, sorted out my massive collection of CDs, and realized I don't need to buy envelopes, Sharpies, or blank CD/DVDs for a LONG time.

I started catching up on wrapping up photo sessions that I've had pending.  In the process, I ordered Chinese, played a game of Tetris, and replied to some e-mails that have been sitting in my inbox far too long.  

Productivity is something I'm not quite used to, so I decided I had enough for one day.  So, here I am curled up in bed with my laptop and a nice warm mocha.  If my niece and nephews were here, I'd probably be telling them a story right now.  Since they are 165 miles away, I'll share some of my favorite stories on here.  Ones that probably wouldn't be appropriate for their age anyway...

So in honor of Oktoberfest, here are some of my most memorable moments living on the south side of La Crosse.

A Drunk Who Lost His Way

Once upon a time, I was living in a dive on 6th street right behind the Cass Street Kwik Trip.  My roommate at that time was gone to Milwaukee for the weekend and I was home alone.  It was about 3:00 AM when I heard the front door open.  Someone entered and went upstairs.  I assumed it was either my roommate, or one of his friends.

The next morning, I woke up and went on about my day.  It wasn't until the following day that my roommate had returned and I asked him if he had let anyone crash at our place over the weekend.  He said he had not and after a thorough sweep through the house, we decided it must have been some drunk who didn't know where he was. 

Three years later, I moved in with a group of girls and was telling them this story.  Wouldn't you know it... they knew the guy who got drunk and woke up in some house on 6th Street.  

The End.

Another Drunk Who Lost His Way ... to the Bathroom

Last February I moved in with some young college girls and it was not uncommon to pack 30 or more people into the apartment on a Friday or Saturday night.  My bedroom was connected to one of the bathrooms and also had an entry to the hallway.  During one of their parties, I actually fell asleep in the comfort of my own room - away from the beer bongs, wine, and shots.  I was brought to full attention out of a dead sleep when I realized one of the drunk guys was standing at my computer chair unbuckling his belt thinking he was standing at the toilet.  He realized he wasn't in the bathroom and stumbled out.  

Speaking of Bathrooms. . . 

When men drink, why is it the entire world is their toilet?  Back in the day when I used to run, I went out for an evening jog.  I was on State Street running when I heard water running.  When I looked at the house I was passing, there stood a college kid on the porch steps pissing on sidewalk.  Still pissing, we made eye contact and he actually said "Hello".  This is not the first time I've seen this here in the city of the World's Largest Six Pack.  I've seen many men freeing willy right on curbs, behind garbage bins, in bushes, or right on the lawn.    

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

What Do You Want to Do When You Grow Up?

  • A Teacher - Melissa at age 5 
  • A Waitress - Melissa at age 5-6
  • An Architect - Melissa in 3rd Grade
  • A Country Singer - Melissa after seeing Reba McEntire at the Wisconsin Valley Fair
  • "I want to join the army" - Melissa after watching Pauly Shore's In the Army Now
  • A Writer - Melissa in 4th Grade
  • A Doctor - Melissa in 8th Grade, and again at age 25
  • A Flight Attendant - Melissa age 12
  • A Counselor - Melissa at age 14
  • A Soap Opera Writer - Melissa at age 15
  • A Pro Floor Hockey Player - Melissa at age 15
  • The Next Barbara Walters - Melissa at age 16
  • A Jingle Writer - Melissa at age 16
  • A Funeral Director - Melissa at age 17
  • A Floral Designer - Melissa at age 18
  • A Sign Language Interpreter - Melissa at age 19
  • A Photographer - Melissa at age 24
  • A college dropout - Melissa today
(All the ones in bold are jobs I have worked!)

Pointless Poetry: The 'Wednesday Sucks' Poem

The 'Wednesday Sucks' Poem

Woke up before my alarm clock.
Way before my alarm clock.
I called this inanimate object a four-letter word
with "er" added to the ending
and began my day.
Took a shower and brushed my teeth
for the third time this week.
Even added a little mascara to my lashes
and halfway expected to hear a round of applause
coming from the audience
that does not exist
because my life is not a freaking sitcom

But it could be.  Especially if you were watching
as I tried to assemble my bicycle yesterday
in the middle of 19th Street.
Two minutes of struggling
to keep the tire balanced between my feet
while trying to attach the frame
when it dawned on me
to turn the bike
upside down.

Maybe I could ride my bike to school
for biology lab tonight
and crash
because the tire isn't assembled properly
and then I could blame a head injury
for not knowing my ass from a hole in the ground
in that class.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Signs of Senioritis

I have the sleeping schedule of an infant, the patience of a toddler, the acne of a teenager, the wrists of a retired interpreter, and the memory of an Alzheimer's patient.  I called my chiropractor and apparently they don't do attitude adjustments.  So, I have no choice but to self-medicate with high doses of caffeine, lots of bed rest, and plenty of mindless activities like Facebook and flossing my teeth.

Yesterday, I came home from school at 1:00.  (Please note: I did not attend my 1:10-2:30 class.)  My eyelids couldn't stay open, so I did what anyone suffering from senioritis would do: I took a nap.

At 5:30 I rolled myself out of bed and decided to go to Barnes and Noble.  Now, I go to the cafe and notice a girl sitting at one of the tables and I instantly do not like her.  Why?  Because she's sitting next to the only outlet in the darn place with both a phone and a laptop plugged in.  How inconsiderate!  With only about 45 minutes left on the laptop battery, I took a seat a few tables down and tried to make the most of my battery's life.

Soon, the unlikable girl two tables down was joined by two more twerps and they were having a study session.  Topic: Statistics.  UGH.  I was ready to pull my thinning hair out, but decided I would do the rational thing and stare at them as though they were aliens.  I could not help it.  Staring might be a side-effect of senioritis.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it is.  That might be a senioritis stage 2 or 3 symptom.  When drooling occurs, you've graduated into stage 4.

Someone needs to make a brochure about senioritis.  I guess I will since I don't have much else going on.

Anyway. . .

The point I was trying to make about my trip to Barnes and Noble was simply this: Senioritis decreases tolerance of all things. . . except alcohol.  Or, so I hear.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Goals for the Week

I have put together my goals for the week.  I will keep you posted on the progress that I make.

Melissa's Goals for the Week of September 20th
  • Brush teeth everyday
(That's it.  I didn't want to overwhelm myself.)

Friday, September 17, 2010

The Texting Take Over

Here it comes.  Brace yourselves.

I've found a great table outside of the Reinhart Center to people watch.  The vast majority of you walk right by me and probably don't even know I'm sitting here staring you down because your eyes are locked on your cell phone screen.  Or, you have your ear conveniently attached to your device.

Well, you don't look cool.  You look stupid.  Not to mention anti-social.  Sure, you're texting which is, I guess 'social' in a completely anti-social mode of communication.  I am right now making a pledge not to text unless texted to, and not to text in environments where real socialization could be occurring.

Generally, I'm a shy person.  That doesn't mean that I can't smile at someone or say 'hello' as I walk by, but when their running their fingers across a touch screen, tripping over their own shoes, it makes it a little difficult for any type of interaction.

We have a global "lights out" day to conserve energy.  How about a global "turn off your cell phone" day. Honestly, believe it or not back in the day, people actually left their house without a phone.  The world will keep spinning if just for one day we all put away our cell phones and tried face-to-face communication instead.

I even wish they would start offering a Cell Phone Etiquette 101 in high schools and colleges.  Seriously,  shouldn't it be common sense that you leave your phone in the car when you're having your senior photos taken?  Even though you may not think so, when you're in a check-out texting or talking on the phone - you are holding up the line.  And, have you noticed how much a movie ticket costs these days?  You're really going to dish out that cash to sit and text during the entire movie?  Ridiculous.

The rudest of all is when you meet up with someone - as in Face- to - Face.  No skype, no IM chat... actually sitting down in person and you spend the time talking on the phone, browsing the 'net, or texting.  You may as well look at the person you're supposed to be talking to and tell them that they really aren't that important and you'd rather play with your gadget.

Let's not even get Melissa started on texting while driving.  To me that falls in the same category as drunk driving and people should be pulled over and punished appropriately.  That's another post.  

Happy Friday.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Top Ten Signs of Senioritis

For those of you have followed me through the years dating back to my time in Alaska, you know how I love my top ten lists.  I felt it was about time to bring them back.

Top Ten Signs of Senioritis

10.  Brushing teeth and showering have become a weekly event.

9.  Coffee, potato chips, pizza, and mac & cheese have taken over the food pyramid.

8.  You have no idea what you're supposed to be doing in the bio lab and think it's hilarious.

7.  You rationalize that if front row parking is not available, it's a sign that you aren't supposed to go to school.

6.  The government notifies you that you've exceeded the loan limit and it's time to graduate.

5.  Your middle finger gets you in trouble and no one believes it's just spasms.

4.  Your mom is blocking your calls because she doesn't want to hear any more whining about how you hate school and want to move home.

3.  Your flash drives are currently serving as ear plugs. 

2.  Multiple choice exams have come down to eenie - meenie -miney - mo.

And the Number One Sign of Senioritis. . .

1.  You keep your passport on you at all times just in case you finally decide to make a break for it.  Ask me the next time you see me to see my passport.  I guarantee it will be with me... because you just never know... 


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Vehicular Homicide: Profile of a Killer

Friends and family members would describe Melissa McCarthy as shy, quiet, friendly, and even compassionate.  She stands only 5'2" tall, but don't let her small frame fool you.  Beneath her innocent exterior lies a cruel, heartless terror ready to strike at any minute.  

Her latest victim: a 2002 Ford Explorer Sport Trac belonging to her own grandfather.  The truck was spotted this afternoon at a body shop on Jackson Street where mechanics raced to install a new cylinder - a casualty of Melissa's relentless abuse.  Melissa was issued a $271.00 slap on the wrist and the truck was released back into her custody.         

1987 Volkswagen Quantum 
Year of Murder: 2000
Murder Weapon: The Gas Pedal
Autopsy Findings: Melissa blew the radiator and continued driving the Quantum until it started on fire and burned to death.

1990 Chevy Lumina 
Vanished: 2001
The vehicle is believed to have been exchanged for another and has not been seen since.  It is speculated that the Lumina was sold for its organs. 

1999 Chevy Cavalier
Year of Murder: 2002
Murder Weapon: The Gas Pedal and a Grand AM
Autopsy Findings: Melissa drove the Cavalier into the rear end of a parked Grand AM without braking at 25 MPH.  The Cavalier was pronounced dead at the scene.  

2000 Kia Sephia
Vanished: 2004

2001 Ford Explorer Sport Trac
Melissa tortured this truck for five years.  She backed it into a mailbox, drove it on gravel roads in Alaska for two years, put it on ferries, made it haul stuff, and wore the brakes.  It escaped and is now in a protection program.   

1991 Mercury Topaz
Vanished: 2010
Last seen being pulled behind a tow truck.

1992 Nissan Maxima 
Vanished: 2009
Last seen in June 2009 in a parking lot in Madison, Wisconsin.

Monday, September 13, 2010

"What are you gonna do with that???"

After people ask me my major and I reply, they ask me two questions: (1) "What's Biopsychology?" (2) "What are you gonna do with that??" 

Yes, I am indeed a senior.  Yes, I am going to be thirty in two years.  (Well, a year and seven months, but who is counting?)  Still, why does it mean that I need to know what I am going to do with my life?  Or, why does that mean I need to have a plan for my degree?  Do you need a plan?  Here's a plan:

First things first - The Billboard!  I am seeing the official certificate of my degree blown up to billboard size and displayed on one of the billboards between La Crosse and Onalaska.  Maybe a picture of me wearing my cap and gown as well?!

Then, The Graduation Party!  I'm guessing this could potentially draw a larger crowd than Willie Nelson did at the La Crosse Center.  I'm thinking a parade may be in order.  The route should start at Java Detour because without that place, I wouldn't have made it to the classes that I DID make it to.  They should even consider being a proud sponsor since I spent almost as much there on coffee as I did at the Viterbo Bookstore.  (Just not this semester because... I'm a senior and textbooks are optional for someone of my status.)

And then, there's The Plan!  The one that puts my degree on a shelf to collect dust while I open my own portrait studio, write music, and fall back on the things I went to college to have something to fall back on because I didn't think I was good enough to pursue.  There's also the plan that includes something about a ring, a minivan, soccer games, and a white picket fence... someday.  Not so sure about the minivan.  There's the plan that includes a house concert tour throughout the country... someday.

Well, someday is coming and my bucket list is becoming quite irritated sitting on the back burner.  Okay, it's not on the back burner.  Finishing my bachelor's is on the list, so if I can just keep going a little while longer, I can scratch it off and move on to the bigger and better things I've always wanted to do, but haven't.  Yet.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Perfect Attendance

It was difficult, but I have successfully completed a full week of attending every class.  That doesn't necessarily mean that I was present, but my body sat in the chairs, my head nodded occasionally, and my notebooks were opened making it appear like I gave a hoot.

My niece, Madeline, is at that age where you tell her to do something and she instantly responds with a whiny "I caaannnn'ttttt doooooo itttttttt."

Internally, there was a whining little child inside of me all week.

Prof: Okay, you're going to become pros with the micropipettes in this lab.
Melissa's Internal two-year-old: I CAAAANNNNNNN'TTTT  DOOOOO ITTTTTTT!!!

Prof: I have an activity for you to do in your teams!
Melissa's Internal two-year-old: I CANNNN'TTTT DOOOOO ITTTTTTT!!!!!!!

Prof: Turn in your research worksheet.

Just like I tell Madeline, I need to tell myself, "Yes, you can!"  And just like Madeline, I usually end up in a complete hissy fit on the floor until I am red in the face.  At two, it's somewhat cute.  At 28... not so much.  This is why I tend to keep my tantrums to myself now.

But it gets old, doesn't it?  I mean, always doing the right thing.  What is appropriate and acceptable gets old.  I want to sit on my chair upside down for an entire lecture.  I want skip class without feeling like the holy Catholic college is going to send me straight to Hell.  I want to wear my pajamas all day and skip showers, skip meals, and drink coffee until I'm practically a peeing coffee pot.  Instead, I just keep doing what I should.  Going to school, sitting on my chair the right way, getting dressed occasionally, and showing up for work when I'm supposed to.

That doesn't mean I'm not somewhat rebellious.  If you haven't noticed, I bought a pack of gum for days I decide not to brush my teeth.  So, let the ADA run that up their flagpole and salute it.  I am a proud giver of the bird to those 'intexticated' drivers that deserve it.  I even speed sometimes.  Just not to class.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Study Tips for the Below Average

Week three begins next week.  Really?  It's only been three weeks?  Is it just me, or should it be December already?  Week three marks my first exam of the semester.  Have I mentioned that I still haven't purchased all of my textbooks?  That's another blog entry, though. So, you're probably wondering how such a remarkable student like myself prepares for these exams.  Here goes...

     Sleep is essential for exams.  Typically, the night before an exam I am in bed by seven p.m.  One of my life philosophies is to treat myself like I am a child and children need about twelve hours each night.

Eat a Good Breakfast
     This is a no-brainer.  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  On exam days it's coffee and donuts.  Once in a while, I'll eat a banana just to balance it all out.

    Generally, you must have the textbooks to study; therefore, this can be a problem for those student (who shall remain nameless) who have decided not to purchase their textbooks until they have officially decided to take a leave of absence for the semester.

Stay Away from Facebook
     Hahhaa.  Yeah right.  That's like telling a teenager not to text and drive.  Go ahead - go on Facebook.  Announce to everyone that you have an exam so they know you're not studying and you're playing on Facebook.

Show Up
     Even if the only question you get right is your name, at least you were present. 

When in Doubt...
  • Draw pictures on the test!  The prof will appreciate it.  Maybe.
  • Don't pick "C".  That hardly ever works for me.
  • Also, the scantron sheet hardly ever has a pattern, but you can still try to make a pretty one.
  • DON'T CHEAT OFF YOUR NEIGHBOR.  This is about as Freshman as it gets.  It's better to just be a dumbass than to be a cheating dumbass. 
Get Creative
     If you climb the construction crane the night before the exam, you'll be in jail the next day and can't take it.  If someone flicks their cigarette ash in your face, your eye is going to be irritated and you probably shouldn't take the test.  Plus, the water leaking out of it is going to smear the paper.

Get REALLY Creative
     Take study tips from the Learning Center and not me.  You might actually have a chance, then.

Good luck! 

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Cigarette-Flicking Idiot

Dear Inconsiderate Smoker,

As you passed me on the street on Tuesday morning, you just so happened to flick the ash of your cigarette into my eye.  Had I known it would turn out to be a day-long irritant, I would have stopped you, physically removed your cell phone from the side of your head, and shoved your cigarette up your...

but I just kept walking.  I had things to do.  Places to be.  You apparently know all about that because you were in such a rush you didn't even notice that you sent me into a blinking fit.  Something lodged under my left eyelid and instantly my eye began to water.  So, I went to class and tried to ignore the fact that every time I would blink, it felt like my lid was rolling over broken glass.

After class, I proceeded on with my day and went to work.  By this time, all around my eye was red and more irritated than me.  After several attempts at removing whatever was in there, I gave up and went to the walk-in.  They sent me directly to an opthamologist, flipped my eyelid inside out, and dug it out with a silver instrument that I'd like to introduce YOUR eyeball to.  

Well, I hope you enjoyed your cigarette that I'll be paying $250 for. 

  Melissa McCarthy

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Clubs You Won't See At the Fair!!

There is a club fair going on tomorrow at Viterbo.  I'm sure all the clubs will be present.  Like the Bio-chem Club, the Psychology Club, the Garden Club, and the Education Club.

If you would like a preview of the clubs that will be there, you've come to the wrong place!  These are the clubs you probably won't see at school this year:

  • Academic Probation Club
    • Members must bring their letter from the Dean to sign up
    • Must have a GPA below 2.0
  • Underachiever's-R-Us
    • Are you lazy? A procrastinator? A junior or a senior without a declared major?  Are you barely squeaking by?  Then this club is for you!!
  •  Cross-Campus
    • A little too out-of-shape for cross-country?  Join the Cross-Campus running/walking/crawling club.  Can't make it across campus?  No biggie!  Bicycles and mopeds are highly encouraged.  Practice once a month.  One run per semester.  (Running route goes from Murphy Center to the Mathy Center.)  
  • Took a Shower in the Chem Lab Club
    • The showers are there for safety!  If you had to use one, you belong in this club!  I'm also going to guess that you're a freshman.
  • Freshman Fifteen-ers
    • You know what this club is all about!! 
  • Sophomore Seventy-ers
    • The sister club of the Freshman Fifteen-ers!
  • The "I've Had a Prof Bum a Smoke off Me" Club
    • This club meets at The Recovery Room bar just about everyday!
  •  The Stay In College for Life to Keep the Loans in Deferment Club
    • Open to anyone who is fully committed to being a life-long learner for all the wrong reasons!
  • Black Cloud Club
    • Kind of like The Sunshine Club... but not really.

    Chronic Yawning Syndrome

    It's 8:20 AM and Melissa McCarthy is on her second cup of caffeinated coffee after an uninterrupted seven hours of sleep.  So, why is she yawning?

    Melissa is among many who struggle everyday with Chronic Yawning Syndrome (CYS), an illness that causes sporadic and frequent yawning spells.

    "It all started in middle school with one of the most boring teacher's I've ever had." Melissa said in a statement earlier last week.  "It was dreadful.  She would open her mouth to teach, and I'd open mine to yawn."

    Sixteen years later, Melissa is now a college student at Viterbo University where she studies Biopsychology.  I was fortunate enough to sit down with her for an interview so she could shed light on this debilitating illness:

    SYS: Have your studies in Biopsychology provided you with any insight as to what causes this?
    MM: Well, I'm a senior this year and studying really isn't my thing.  In fact, when I do study, the CYS kicks into high gear, so I actually try to avoid it.

    SYS: So, studying is a trigger for this?
    MM: Absolutely.  

    SYS:  What other triggers  have you found?
    MM: Long lectures, dull Power Points, textbooks, work meetings... there's just too many to name.

    SYS:  Is there any treatment for CYS?
    MM: Facebook.  Avoiding the situations, for instance - skipping class.  

    SYS: Now, you admit to being a caffeine addict.  How does this impact your CYS?
    MM: Oh, man.  When I haven't had my coffee or diet Coke, watch out.  Especially if I haven't brushed my teeth.  

    SYS:  How much caffeine do you consume in a typical day?
    MM:  Well, let's just say that if there were a legal limit and you couldn't drive beyond that point, I'd have my license taken away for life.

    SYS: What advice do you give to others suffering from CYS?
    MM: Don't join the support groups.  You'll just yawn because it's highly contagious.  

    SYS:  There are support groups?
    MM: No.  I'm also a compulsive liar.

    SYS: Really?
    MM:  No.  That was a lie.

    SYS: That you're a compulsive liar, or that there are not support groups?
    MM: Both.

    SYS: So there are support groups for Chronic Yawning Syndrome?
    MM: I'm the first one to have CYS, so I am my own support group.

    We'll continue checking in on Melissa throughout the school year to see how she is (or is not) progressing.

    Thursday, September 2, 2010

    The Medical Examiner Can See Me Now!

    I’ve never had an autopsy done, but I assume the Y-cut would be much less painful than the drive from Wausau to La Crosse for the first day of my senior year of college.  You see, I’ve been a senior for the last three years.  There are enough credits under my belt to match Dr. G, but unfortunately, all I have to show for it is an associate’s degree in sign language - a field I retired from three years ago to finish my bachelor’s in biopsychology.  Now, here I am.  So close to the finish line that I should almost be able to taste the graduation cake, but instead I’m just gagging on the bitter taste of loans, poor job outlooks, and the rancid stomach acid my guts are bringing up while it turns over the idea of being vested in the wrong major.
    I should be proud of myself for coming this far.  Unfortunately, my arms are too short to pat my own back.  With a quick flick of my leg, I can kick my own ass, though.  I have found this is sufficient and keeps my ego in check.  Not that I have ever had an issue with a big ego.    
    So, I started out for my 8AM class last Monday at 4:55 AM from Wausau.  By the time I reached Marathon City, I almost had myself convinced that the first day of school was a bigger waste of time than drinking a pot of decaf coffee.  Instead of turning around and going back to bed, I cracked my first diet Coke of the day and continued on with great intentions of making my first day as somber as a funeral.  
    And who the heck decided on August 20th as a start day for school?  Do people not realize that leases often begin and end on the 1st of every month?  Not only was my senioritis swelling, throbbing, and cutting off my motivation, I was also homeless for two more days.  Luckily, some good friends took me in.  (Thanks Melissa, Gene, Keegan, and Gabriel!)
    I showed up to my first class completely caffeinated and grumpier than Lindsay Lohan on lockdown.  My textbooks were still in the bookstore - unpurchased and overpriced.  The classroom was full of eager students ready to learn and excited to see friends they hadn’t seen all summer.  And then there was me.  Mentally rolling my eyes so far back in the sockets that I could almost see my own brainstem.  
    Class ended and I had time to kill and decided it would be a good idea to go buy my books.  The bookstore had a line all the way to back of the store.  A curse word might of slipped as I walked in, but I was about as concerned as I was about confirming enrollment with the business office.  With six previous semesters of practice purchasing books, I knew exactly where I needed to go.  I had all of my books in my arms within fifteen minutes and without hesitation, I put them all back on the shelves where I had found them and left.  A common symptom of senioritis, or so I’ve heard.

    By noon I was on the phone with my mom whining that I wanted to come home.  She offered me a supportive shoulder and told me to drop out of college and live with her and my grandpa.  
    I made it through Monday with perfect attendance.  The same goes for Tuesday, but unfortunately, Wednesday is another story.  You see, I drove to school bright and early on Wednesday morning and made it as far as the parking lot.  Instead of parking, I decided to go to the bank, then the store, and then the apartment.  I hung up the shower curtain, unpacked my truck, and enjoyed my enormous two-bedroom apartment that had no furniture.  Sleeping on hardwood floors was better than being homeless, so I sprawled out and slept right through the second class of the day.  

    It was late afternoon when I finally got up.  I forced myself to school for bio lab, but still wasn’t entirely convinced I would be gracing Viterbo with my presence for the entire semester.  

    I guess I should sum up the week:

    3....Total Number of Classes Missed
    2....Nights on Hardwood Floors
    10...Fingernails Chewed Down to Nothing
    4....Number of Textbooks Purchased    
    3....Months Since I’ve Practiced My Guitar
    4....Hours Worked This Week
    102....Days Until Christmas/Winter Vacation!!!!